My Favorite Things

During the Christmas season, when I have yuletide music playing just about every minute of the day, I always laugh when the song, "My Favorite Things" begins to play. I turn to Brenton and say, "this isn't a Christmas song! Why do they only play it at Christmas?!" It's really a shame because it's such a wonderful song, and now when it's played during any other month people turn to each other and say, "why are they playing a Christmas song?" To which I stamp my little foot and say, "it ISN'T a Christmas song!" Bah! Humbug!

I've written before that every night as part of Ryan's bedtime routine, the last thing I do before placing him into his crib is rock and sing to him. I've sung dozens and dozens of songs to him over the past two years, one of them being "My Favorite Things." About a year ago, I realized while many of the things in the song I like, they're not necessarily my favorite. I do enjoy a good, crisp apple strudel, and I think wild geese are quite lovely, especially with the moon on their wings. However, I'm not sure I'd categorize them as my favorite things.

So while I was singing it once again, rocking my baby to sleep, I changed the lyrics a bit to talk about the things that are really my favorite. Here's my version, sung now dozens and dozens of times to my little boy. It's not all my favorite things of course, just a few that really matter to me.

The day I got married and became a Mrs.

Sweet baby boys and their mommy's soft kisses,

Sparkling diamonds on my wedding rings,

These are a few of my favorite things.

Playtime with Daddy and rocking with Mommy

The look on his face when my husband first saw me,

The love that we share and the flowers he brings,

These are a few of my favorite things.

Making a gift for somebody who loves me,

The day you were born and I became a mommy,

Listening to my own mom as she sings,

These are a few of my favorite things.

Your cute little feet, especially your toes,

Watching my sweet baby boy as he grows,

Feeling so happy it's like I have wings,

These are a few of my favorite things.

When the bills pile,

When I can't smile,

When I'm feeling sad,

I simply remember my favorite things,

And then I don't feel so bad. 

Perhaps I will add more verses as time goes by, as there are so many things that are my favorite. For example, I LOVE the Fall. It is my favorite season. It fills my whole soul with joy seeing the leaves change color, making tasty treats with pumpkin, going for walks, wearing argyle sweaters, drinking cider on the porch, and so many other things. In fact, I think I could write another four verses to "My Favorite Things" just about the Fall. Perhaps "crisp apple strudels" can stay in that one. Maybe even warm, woolen mittens, too!

It's the Little Things

This week was not the greatest. I guess it's just the little things.

Ryan was sick for a few days, I messed up a crochet project and had to start over, my quest for Brenton's birthday presents didn't pan out, you get the picture. I was hanging in there and soldiering through when I realized I would have been 20 weeks along and found out the gender of our baby this week. That was my breaking point, and I burst into a full meltdown this morning.

To quote Charlie Brown, lately it feels like "everything I touch gets ruined." My starter plants in the front yard were eaten by birds, my hanging basket of fuchsias died, our cucumbers are bitter, the peppers rot before they're ripe, and a bunny keeps eating our low hanging tomatoes and zucchini. It feels as though everything I try to nurture and raise either dies or falls apart. I would have been halfway along in my pregnancy yet here I sit, barren and empty as another month goes by without a positive test. It's becoming a disheartening trial for me. 

About the only thing that has been growing really well is our cherry tomatoes. I pick about 3 dozen or so everyday. Today, those little, bright red tomatoes taught me a comforting lesson. All by itself, a cherry tomato isn't much. Just a little, juicy morsel that brightens your day for moment. But put all of them together, and you have a whole basket full of juicy, delicious fruit. You sit on the front porch and pop several in your mouth at once, wondering how something so small could taste so delicious and make you so happy. 

Here's my lesson. "By small and simple things are great things brought to pass" (Alma 37:6). Instead of letting the negative things bring me down, I can focus on the little cherry tomatoes of life that bring me joy. A long hug from my son, a kiss from my husband, a call from a friend, an uplifting song on the radio, a particular verse of scripture. All by itself, a little moment isn't much. But put all of them together and I have a whole basket full of happy, uplifting moments of joy. 

I guess it's just the little things. 

Dear Provo: A Thank You Note

Dear Provo,

On Wednesday morning we will lock our door, hand the keys to our landlord, buckle ourselves into our U-Haul and leave your boundaries forever. I don't really have the time to write this post as there is still much to be done before that morning, but after nearly 7 years of ups, downs, and everything in between, I feel some "thank yous" are in order.

Thank you for the education I received here at one of the nation's top universities. I worked extremely hard to earn a bachelor's degree from Brigham Young University, and I am grateful for the professors who motivated, inspired, and encouraged me to work for something I will treasure forever. No matter what life throws at me, no matter what job I may have or lose, no on can take that degree away from me.

Thank you for the gift of my best friend, Laura. A bond like ours will last forever, and I will cherish the memories we have of our time spent here together.

Thank you for introducing me to my sweetheart. Your town full of affordable restaurants and lovely parks provided a great atmosphere for me to get to the know the man I would one day call my husband.

Thank you for providing me with my first salary-based, post-graduate job. I learned many valuable skills from it, but mostly learned I had something to contribute to the professional world, and was seen as an asset to a successful company.

Thank you for the miracle of my first child. Thank you for the fantastic hospital that saved my baby's and my life with only precious minutes to spare. Perhaps there are other hospitals and doctors who could have acted that quickly and effectively elsewhere, but I will be forever indebted to the people who took great care to ensure my son made it safely to our family.

Thank you for providing my with fantastic friends. I've made some friendships here that will continue with me no matter where we live. I'm grateful I was able to be in an area where so many people were in the same season of life as me. I don't think that will be the case anywhere else, and it was perfect for this stage of life.

We are truly thrilled to be moving on to Kentucky. It's everything we were hoping and praying for. I'm so excited for this new adventure for our family, but please know there is a part of me that owes you gratitude for the many joyful, life-changing events that happened in your city. Farewell, and may I never have to live here again.

Best Regards,

Katie Hoyos

Through a Glass, Darkly

This past week has been one of tremendous emotional growth for me. In my church congregation, the women are assigned to look after each other and make sure needs are met. One of the women I was assigned to look after had been struggling with depression. Last Friday, I received a call informing me she had committed suicide. I was shocked. After it sunk in a little more, I was plagued with feelings of immense guilt. "Why didn't I try harder? What more could I have done to help? Why didn't I call and check on her that day? If I had been a better friend, would this still have happened?"

I knew the only way I would feel better and receive comfort was by turning to the Lord for answers. Since my teenage years I have always remembered a saying that goes, "we speak to the Lord through prayer. The Lord speaks to us through scripture." So I knelt and prayed for comfort and understanding of her choice, then turned to the scriptures for answers. At first, the Lord comforted me by letting me know that her choices were her own. I did not need to feel responsible. I received this answer from the Book of Mormon in Helaman 14: 30 which reads, "For behold, ye are free; ye are permitted to act for yourselves; for behold, God hath given unto you a knowledge and he hath made you free." This was the answer I needed immediately, and it gave me great comfort, wiping away my guilt.

As the next few days went by and funeral plans were made, I struggled with many other emotions. I saw how devastated her family was and how alone her husband looked. It made me angry that she chose to leave so many people that loved her. Then I felt angry at myself for being angry at her when I didn't know her personal situation or pain. More than anything else I simply felt overwhelming sadness. In fact, I still do. When someone chooses to take her own life there are so many unanswered questions. What was going through her mind? How accountable is she for that choice? What consequences will this bring her in the eternities?

As I struggled with these feelings and questions I again turned to the Lord for guidance. I prayed for understanding, then turned to my scriptures. I was drawn to 1 Corinthians 13: 12 which reads, "For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: Now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known." As I read I felt the comfort and peace of my Heavenly Father. I knew He loved her, she is His daughter and He knows everything that was going through her mind before she made her choice. She is in His hands and He sees everything with perfect clarity. By trusting in the Lord, I can see part of His plan, but it is through a dark glass. When all is said and done I will see everything with a perfect clarity the way He sees it. Until then, I cling to my faith, and that is enough.

My friend's funeral was yesterday. I played piano for the service. It was immensely difficult. I have performed and participated in funerals before, but none felt as personal as this did for me. As I played the final postlude I finally broke down so that I couldn't read the notes on the page for all the tears. However, since hearing the news last Friday, the stress of all the planning and shock had been so great I hadn't permitted myself to fully let go and have a good cry. It was remarkably cathartic, and gave me a sense of release I had been needing.

I don't know all the answers. I don't know her thoughts, her mental state, her chemical/hormonal balance, or her physical pain. But I do know that Jesus Christ does, and it is ultimately His sacrifice and Atonement that heals all wounds. I know that if I continue to put my trust and faith in Him, one day I will not see this life through a darkened glass, but face to face, with perfect clarity. And for now, that is good enough.

A Message of Hope

Maybe it's because of the Christmas season. Maybe it's because my life is so full of joy. Either way, I have been thinking a great deal about where our true happiness comes from, how I found it, and how every person in the world has the exact same opportunity to find it, too.

The gospel it true. I know it. I was raised in a home that has taught me this my whole life. I has helped me know where to go more than anything else. It has given me balance, structure, and an incredible sense of purpose. As I look back on the journey my life has taken me, I have pondered how I gained this sure knowledge for myself. While my experience are very personal and special to me, the principles behind them are universally the same. 

It begins with Hope. Hope is a precursor to Faith. In order to have a true understanding of the gospel so that it envelopes our lives, we have to hope that it will work. Hope is the spring in our legs that allows us to leap. We hope that the gospel is true. We hope that by following commandments they really will make our lives happy. We hope it will sustain us through times of immense temptation. We hope that others will be there for us so we don't have to go through this life alone. And most of all, we hope that when Christ suffered in the garden of Gethsemane it was for each of us, personally. I think that's where seed of hope is planted: when we understand the Atonement was meant for "me." 

Following hope comes Faith. The hope that gave us the courage to leap now evolves into the long journey of living the gospel. Our hope is still there, but it becomes stronger as it is surrounded and fortified by faith. It's like a sphere. As our testimony grows, nothing ever goes away, it only expands. Whenever any part of us grows in the gospel, every aspect of our life grows as a result. That growth comes from faith. We are now doing what's right, and walking in the light of the gospel. However, we may not see the blessings right away. In fact, we may still feel the Siren call of our former lives. This is where faith is put to the test. Faith is doing what's right and trusting in the Lord's timing. But as we continue to follow His commandments, we no longer have to just hope that God will help us, we simply know He will. This is faith. We exercise faith when we show enough patience and diligence to trust the Lord will help us in the way that is most conducive to our lives and personal needs. Faith also happens to be the most difficult step, because it is where we prove to the Lord  we want His will for us, not our own. 

What occurs after faith is the greatest of all: Charity. We know from the scriptures that "charity is the pure love of Christ." By exercising faith to do His will, we become more like Him. We make his choices our choices, and are blessed with charity. It is the fruit from the tree of life, tasting sweeter than words can express. We become so full of love and gratitude that joy seems to appear in everything around us. It engulfs our whole soul. It isn't that our lives are easier, but everything is suddenly much clearer. That is why charity is "the greatest of these," because it is Christ's love. We are now living like Him, and become privileged to feel the way He does about ourselves, as well as our fellow men. 

I know this is true because I have experienced it for myself. I also know that in order for it to be successful, we have to be willing to give our whole heart to the Lord. If we only go through the motions without the desire or the trust that it will work we will always wonder why the Lord is not listening to us. We won't see any purpose in keeping His commandments because they hold absolutely no value to us. We will see the gospel based on the people we know follow it rather than the principles it was founded on. But if we sincerely strive to know if the Atonement is real for us, the Lord will fill our lives with so many blessings there won't be "room enough to receive it." Our cup will runneth over. 

Christ lives. He knows you and loves you. He knows me personally and answers my prayers. I know His Atonement was for me, just as it is for you. To those that are searching, the answers are here. For more information, fee free to ask me questions, or visit mormon.org.   

Weekend Surprise

Last Thursday began like any other weekday. I had just put Ryan down for a nap, and was getting ready to fold the laundry when I got a call from my mom. It went something like this.
"Hi, mama."
"Hi, Katie. I may or may not be about to de-board a plane in Salt Lake City, and I was just wondering if you had plans for lunch."
"What?! *cue tears* Are you really here?!?"
"I'm really here."
"Wait. What??"
"I'm really here. Are you free for lunch?"
"Um, yes!! I don't have plans. I can't believe you're here! I love you!"

Yep, it went something like that. As it turns out, my mom brought my brother's girlfriend out for the weekend, and while he and Brenton both knew about it, she kept it a surprise from me.

So now that we had all the ingredients set up for the best weekend ever, a hour later Mom was at my doorstep. I have never been so excited to open the front door in my entire life. The weekend was full of shopping, swimming in the hotel pool, more shopping, playtime with Ryan, eating out, and mostly just wonderful time being together. My mother lavishly spoiled me every minute. I felt so pampered and loved.

On Friday, we went to Gardner Village in West Valley. I had always wanted to go, but had never got around to it. We met my mom's sister, Shelley, there and hit the shops. I was so happy to simply spend time with them. We looked at all the funny witch displays, enjoyed some amazing Snickers fudge, and Mom bought me a few exquisite pieces of vintage-style jewelry.

Later in the evening we all had dinner together. It was lovely to get to know Nicol, Joe's girlfriend, a little better. She is a wonderful girl. It's a new thing to see my little brother head over heels in love, but I'm so happy for him. He is at such an exciting stage in his life, and it's great to be a part of it while we're both still in Utah. Ryan charmed everyone with his smiles, giggles and new words. Grandma bought him lots of fun animal toys, and he had a blast making the noises for each one.

Saturday, Mom and I shopped til we dropped. She purchased several gorgeous things for me, including a stunning black-tie party dress and a lovely new parka. I was so grateful. We were very tired upon arriving home, so it felt great to relax in the pool and spa at the hotel. Ryan loved spending time in the pool with us. Brenton shot a few pictures before he jumped in, too.

All too soon it was time for goodbyes, but it was truly one of the best weekends I've ever had. I feel completely rejuvenated and grateful for my amazing mother. She knows me so well, and understood how much this weekend would mean to me, especially by making it a surprise. Just when I feel like my life couldn't possibly be more like a fairy tale, something wonderful like this happens, reminding me that I truly am the luckiest girl in the whole world.

A Successful Venture

Yes, my friends, the garden was a fantastic success! Remember that cute little plot we had in May, with all the seeds and starter plants in their organized rows and boxes?

Here it is today....

 

Quite the jungle, huh?! We are so proud of our little garden, and how much produce it has given us this summer. We've picked dozens of tomatoes and green beans, bunches of herbs, plenty of zuchinni, lettuce, peppers, corn, cucmbers and spring onions, and this week the melons are all starting to come in. We also have about a dozen pumpkins ripening for the Fall season, and a few butternut squashes, too!

It has been such a thrill for me to water, nurture, watch, and pray over these plants throughout the season. I have been especially proud of the plants we grew from seed. I was nervous about planting those, because I'd never done it before. But each plant came through and brought us quite the bountiful harvest. What a wonderful blessing for our family. Even now as I type this post I'm happily eating a fresh cucumber and several cherry tomatoes, of course. Ryan and I still go out every day and pick handfuls of the delicious little tomatoes and giggle excitedly as we eat them together. It's one of my favorite parts of the day. 

All of this abundance of harvest has made me so grateful for the gifts from my Heavenly Father. Watching his creations grow that I planted myself has given me a deeper respect for Him and His plan. It has been amazing to watch them grow as my son grew right alongside them. Each experience helped me to see the joy in nurturing, and why I'm so happy to be a mother. 

So here's to another wonderful summer full of tasty fruits and veggies. There is so much to be learned from growing a garden, and being able to really see the "fruits of [my] labors."  I'm off to make a batch of zucchini bread. Mmmmm! 

My Favorite Snack

I will write a separate post about our huge garden when I have a bit more time. Right now, I'd just like to give a quick tribute to my favorite snack, which of course comes from our huge garden: cherry tomatoes. They're growing so quickly that each day whenever I'm feeling a bit peckish, I can go outside and pick a handful.  I give them a quick rinse in the sink, and then sit down and enjoy! Ryan's a big fan of them, too. And we can eat as many as we want, because unlike a bag of potato chips, cherry tomatoes aren't bad for you! YUM!! So thank you, cherry tomatoes. Thank you for solving my daily "I need a munchie snack right now" urges. How I will miss you when the first frost comes and I can no longer enjoy your deliciousness. Until then, thank you for the happiness you give me with your sweet, juicy, goodness! (and yes, I had to eat a handful while typing this, because just thinking about them made me want some!)

Lesson Learned

The other day I was dressing Ryan, like I do every morning. Even though he's nine months, he still hates getting dressed. He squirms, arches his back, and tries get out of putting on clothes in any way he can. This time, he was particularly difficult. Every time I got one leg in, he'd kick it out while I worked on the second leg. Completely exasperated, I looked at my son and said, "Ryan. We do this every single day. You know you have to do this. It would be so much easier if you wouldn't fight me on it!" As soon as the words came out of my mouth I could feel my Heavenly Father smile and say, "Exactly." I was instantly humbled. How many times do I do things my way and not the Lord's? It would be so much easier if I heeded my own advice to my son, and didn't fight Him on it.

I'm grateful that the Lord uses my own life experiences to help me learn the lessons I need to be happier and become more like Him. It was a reminder to me that He knows me, loves me, and wants me to do things His way because it really is easier, and will bring me greater happiness. It turns out I'll be doing just as much learning and growing as my little boy as the years go by. I think that's how the Lord wants it to be.

Surprise Getaway

As you know, our anniversary was on Sunday. Due to a recent purchase, I figured that we weren't doing anything too big for the special day. Luckily the day was gorgeous, so Brenton made a lovely picnic lunch for us. I took some pictures of Ry-guy and we enjoyed the afternoon.

After lunch, I suggested some ideas to Brenton as to how to spend our evening, and he looked at me with a twinkle in his eye and said, "What if I told you we won't be here for the evening?" After quickly packing, we rode up to my aunt and uncle's house, as Brenton had already planned with them to watch Ryan for the night. I still had no idea where we were going, but I was so excited!! We dropped off Little Buddy, which was a bit hard for me as I hadn't spent a night away from him since the NICU, then headed out.

We began driving higher into the mountains. The more we drove, the prettier it got. At last, Brenton pulled into a gorgeous bed and breakfast nestled in a canyon by a rushing stream. It was breathtaking. After checking in, Brenton lead me to the Denali Suite. It was lovely, and all set up with rose petals, sparkling cider, and chocolate covered strawberries. You could even hear the stream from our room! I loved that. Brenton took care of everything. I was so surprised. He's always thinking of sweet things for me. I'm so lucky to have him as a husband.

                   

We had a lovely evening. It was wonderful to feel like a couple again and celebrate the day we became a family. I'm always amazed at how Brenton continues to surprise me. He is such a wonderful man. It's incredible how one special day can completely rejuvenate your entire marriage. I love my sweetheart so much, and can't wait to spend the rest of forever with him.

Two Years

What more can I say about the amazing man that I married? Should I tell you how he always puts me first? Or  how he finds little ways to make me feel special every single day? I could go on for hours about how in his mind, I really am a princess, and am therefore treated as such. Maybe the best thing I could say is I'm pretty convinced the first thought that comes into his mind every morning is, "How can I make my sweet wife happy today?"

Two years ago I knelt across an alter and promised to love, honor, and cherish Brenton for time and all eternity. Every time I think about it my heart fills with gratitude for the Restoration of the gospel, and the blessings that come through faithful obedience to the ordinances of the temple. Marriage has brought me greater joy and prosperity than I ever imagined.

I'm amazed that two years have passed by since my wedding day. While that may have been the day I looked the prettiest, it isn't the day I've been the happiest. Yes, up to that point, it was. However, since being married to my best friend my happiness has only continued to increase. There have been challenges both emotionally and physically, but there have also been immense blessings, the greatest one being the birth of our son, Ryan. Nothing in this life can compare to the joy that comes from seeing your child for the very first time, and knowing that he is sealed to you and your spouse forever. Even if all you get to do that first time is feel his tiny hand wrapped around your finger as he lies in a NICU bed, the bond is still there.

To my dear husband, I love you, I adore you, and I admire you in so many ways. You are the best choice I ever made, and the best part of each day is discovering more reasons as to why you are the perfect fit for me. May this next year be as wonderful as the first two of our 50-year honeymoon, and once that honeymoon's over, let's start another one. Happy Anniversary, sweetheart.

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Italian Surprises and My Best Friend

This is a tribute to my dearest friend, Laura. I could write dozens of posts about her, and most likely will as time passes. This is just another example of why I treasure her so much.

A few weeks ago I was looking for a fun way to surprise Brenton with a date. He's always coming up with great ideas for us to do, and so I wanted to give him a night off. As I tried to come up with ideas, nothing sounded fun. While talking to Laura about it, she came up with the great idea to turn our kitchen into an Italian restaurant. More than that, she even came over to help me transform the kitchen and make the meal. I constantly feel that Laura does so much for me that I can never repay her kindness. This was again one of those times.

In between taking care of Ryan and finishing the laundry, Laura made bread stick dough, while I prepared an antipasti and pasta dough. That's right, we made pasta from scratch. I'd never tried to make my own pasta before, but Laura brought a recipe with her by an actual Italian. I was surprised at how simple the dough was to make. We rolled the dough out super thin, and cut it into linguini-sized strips. We took turns entertaining Ryan as he got fussy, too. I was so grateful to have Laura there. Ryan loves spending time with her.

As the afternoon flashed by, Laura cut out several silver stars to hang from our ceiling above the table to give the room a fun romantic look. Yes, she's that thoughtful and amazing. I whipped together a quick playlist of italian music and ran upstairs to change. Then it was time to start boiling pasta and set the table. Before we knew it, Brenton was home, and very surprised! 

Everything turned out lovely. The pasta was delicious, and so fun to make. Brenton was very excited!

I'm so grateful for Laura. She goes above and beyond what I would ever imagine, every time. Her kindness, friendship, and love have meant so much to me. Having a best girl friend is indispensable, and I couldn't ask for a better friend than Laura. I love you, sweet, beautiful girl. Thank you for being my best friend. 

When Brenton Proposed

Two years ago today, a boy I was very much in love with took me on a date. We walked down south of campus by the Botany Pond and had a picnic. He pulled out two plastic champagne flutes, a bottle of sparkling cider, and a lovely dinner. We sat and ate happily, and then fed the ducks at the pond. A few minutes later, we went for a walk on the brick trail just by the pond. As we walked by a certain tree, I heard music playing. The boy lead me to the tree where a pink rose was laid on a rock. He handed me the rose, sang to me, and got down on one knee, holding out a beautiful, heart-shaped diamond ring. He looked up at me and said, "Katie, you are my best friend. I want you to be my best friend for forever. Will you marry me?" I had planned exactly how I'd respond in my head dozens of times, but I was so excited I simply blurted out, "Yes!" And suddenly, I was engaged to a boy named Brenton, who has made me, and continues to make me the happiest girl in the world.

Singing to my Baby

I can't believe Ryan is almost two months already. How did all of that go by so quickly?! He's growing so fast I can almost watch it happening. Since his return home from the hospital, he has settled down into a much calmer baby. At first because of his traumatic birth he was very fussy, crying several hours a day. However, now that he's assimilating to the comfort of his new home he's much more relaxed, only getting fussy when it's time to eat, change a diaper, or he doesn't feel like going to bed. I fall more and more in love with him every day. He smiles and coos all the time, and waves his little arms and legs everywhere. He's already reached his two month milestones way ahead of schedule, and recognizes Mommy or Daddy by giving us great, big, open-mouthed smiles. It's so adorable.

As a quick update on my health, I'm much better. I received permission from my doctor to begin exercising moderately, and returning back to normal things. It's slow work, but being able to do things on my own has done so much for my mental health. I cried last week when I was able to clean my own kitchen by myself (minus the mopping; I still can't sweep, mop, or vacuum til around Christmas). This past week I was able to pull on and yes, even button up, my pre-pregnancy jeans. I still have a baby bulge over top of them, but it was exhilarating anyway. I've shown no signs of postpartum depression, so overall I'm looking good!

As the days go by with Mommy and Ryan staying at home, we do a lot of singing. We sing when he's happy, sad, trying to go to sleep, learning about Jesus, playing, etc. There isn't a day when I'm not doing about 2-3 hours of singing with my baby. It reminded me of the years in college I spent singing that much. I'd spend hours in the practice rooms, in lessons and recitals, all trying to get my voice to sound beautiful. I realized the other day that as I've been singing to my baby my voice has never sounded clearer or more beautiful. Without even trying my vowels are rounded, my tone is lovely, and I'm holding pitches perfectly. In the past that took great effort and concentration, but now without even thinking about it I'm achieving the same results. I'm not sure why that is, but I have a theory.

I feel that this is one of the blessings my Heavenly Father has given me for being a mother. As wonderful as it is, it's a very draining job. I spend all day and all night in the same house, careing for my baby's every need, often on no sleep. It can be very hard to feel fulfilled as a person when you're trapped at home without a car and very little adult interaction. But when I'm holding my sweet baby boy and singing to him I feel very fulfilled as a mother, and a human being. I feel I've never had a more appreciative audience as Ryan smiles and me and nestles closer in my arms. I feel like the sacrifices I'm making are small compared to the joy I feel to comfort and bless my baby with the talents I've been given. I know it's one way Heavenly Father shows his deep love for me and my son.

While I'm sure I'll be blessed with many opportunities in this life to sing for others and use my talents, I feel my greatest audience will always be the one resting gently in my arms, drifting off to sleep.

Ryan's Adventure: WEEK 2

DAY 8: Monday, August 30th, 2010

Happy first week, baby Ryan. I couldn't believe it had been a whole week since Ryan's birth. Brenton commented to me that it didn't feel like a week, but one very, VERY, long day. He got permission to work from home that day so that he could take care of me until my mother arrived from the airport. With his help, I managed to get a shower and get dressed. While I had plenty of great maternity clothes during my pregnancy, I realized this week I have almost nothing that works for nursing. I don't know when I'm going to be able to buy nursing clothes. Hopefully I find some good things online.

I called the NICU to see how Ryan was doing, and then waited for my mama. When she arrived I wrapped my arms around her and just cried. There are certain experiences in life when you simply need your mom, and nothing else will do. Having a baby is one of those times. Suddenly I knew everything was going to be all right, because Mama was here. She brought me several pretty nightgowns with button-down fronts so I'd be able to nurse in them. That was such a smart idea. If I was wearing a nightgown, it would help remind me that I need to rest, not clean the house, do the dishes, or try and attempt the stairs too often.

Soon after Mama arrived, we left for the NICU. I can't tell you how wonderful it was just to have my mother there as an added strength. I knew that with her at my side, we were going to get Ryan home, and soon. Ryan was making amazing progress. When he was first admitted to the NICU, he was on high-flow oxygen at 10 liters. On Sunday, he was down to 3, and when we saw him that morning he was down to 2. I knew I had a healthy baby who didn't need to be there anymore, and so it was frustrating when I'd talk about having him discharged and everyone would come up with lame excuses as to why he should stay. "Well, he still needs to be monitored." "Who knows what might happen!." What they were really saying was, "Well, we don't want you to sue us later on." "Who knows when we'll lose our funding, so we're going to keep him a few more days and milk your insurance for all it's worth."

It was a very tender moment to watch Grandma meet baby Ryan for the first time. She already has two sweet granddaughters, but this was her first grandson, not to mention he's absolutely adorable. She watched him hold his head up as I fed him, and talked to him. She looked at me and said, "Katie, that is not a brain damaged baby." She was right. He was doing things that are actually ahead of schedule for a normal baby. We knew Ryan was fine, and now it was just the long battle with the doctors to get him discharged. He had nothing left medically to do, it was all the legal junk he had to pass. Now if you think all that legal mumbo-jumbo is necessary, just you wait. You won't believe some of the stuff they had Ryan, Brenton and I do just to get him home.

Mama and I stayed for Ryan's next feeding, and then headed back home to tell Daddy how well Ryan looked. I was surprised when we saw Ryan in the NICU that he wasn't in his usual bed, but in one of the clear, bucket/cart beds that normal babies are in. I figured it was because he was scheduled for an MRI that day and they needed a way to transport him there. Much to our delight, while sitting with Mom and Brenton at dinner we got a call from the hospital saying that Ryan had been moved to the Special Care Nursery. He had graduated! Finally, a real step in the right direction from the hospital. After hearing all their negative feedback, the fact of the matter was that Ryan was progressing, and they needed the space in the NICU, making him no longer their concern. We knew his next step was coming home. I began to cry as I realized there really was light at the end of the tunnel.

That evening, although exhausted beyond measure, Brenton and I went to the hospital for Ryan's 7:00 and 10:00 feedings. I was so worn out, but I knew I had to show the doctors that I could handle Ryan being home. The Special Care Nursery was a very crowded little room, with beds set up in every cranny hooked up with wires and monitors everywhere. It was also severely understaffed. At first Brenton and I were horrified that this was where our baby had been moved. We wanted to snatch him up and run. We realized though that this was in our favor. The nurses were so busy that they'd want to get as many babies out as they could. So Ryan didn't have that much longer to go before we could bust him out of that place.

Rocking Ryan in the Special Care Nursery

DAY 9: Tuesday, August 31st, 2010

Mama came over first thing in the morning, as Brenton had to go back into work. She helped me with everything, and made me breakfast. It was comforting to know that while the hospital had seemed to forget that I was still recovering from massive surgery, my mom sure hadn't. She pampered me in every way that she could.

We arrived at the hospital at 10:30 to feed Ryan. He was down to 1 liter of oxygen, and only on fluids and sugar water. I made sure Grandma got some snuggle time in during that visit. Ryan nestled right into her chest and made himself comfortable. We talked and sang to the little sweetheart, and met with the nurses to fight the legal battles yet again. I was soooooo worn out. I wasn't getting sleep at night because there was no way to lie down without one or both of my incisions burning. In addition my mind was so overwhelmed with everything that I could never settle it down enough to rest properly. After feeding Ryan, my mom took me back to her hotel to rest a bit.

I was planning on resting until 7:30 when I'd go back to the hospital, but we got a call saying we needed to be back by 1:30 to meet with the doctor. It was amazing to me how none of the doctors seemed to care that I was in worse shape than my own baby. Traveling back and forth from the hospital was spreading me very thin, but because I was discharged, no one at the hospital seemed to care about my health anymore.

Back at the hospital I sat down with the nurse practitioner and spoke to her about Ryan and getting him home. He would be weaned off the oxygen by morning the next day, and had to stay off it for 24 hours. That was all that was left. So I said, "after that he can come home then." And of course, she responded with, "well after that we'll re-evaluate, etc..." Ugh! I wanted to scream, "Cut the crap and give me my baby!!"

After that visit Mama took me back to the hotel to eat dinner with Brenton. The hospital called again and said one of the requirements to get Ryan released was for Brenton and I to camp out at the hospital all night to prove we would feed Ryan and take care of him when he's home. So instead of resting, we headed yet again back to the hospital. I was so exhausted at this point. I'm exhausted just typing this all out. What a stupid requirement. Of course we're going to take care of our baby when he's home. But here's where it got really stupid. When we got there, we told the nurses that whenever Ryan was ready to eat, to call us so we could feed him and meet the requirement. They informed us that we only had to feed him when we wanted to, and if we were too tired they'd do it. So the requirement was just to camp out at the hospital, not prove we can feed our baby. How backwards is that?

DAY 10: Wednesday, September 1st, 2010

After camping out all night, Brenton dropped me off at my mom's hotel on his way to work, and she helped me get a shower and ready for the next very long day. I was so drained I could hardly think straight. However, instead of the exhaustion making me weepy and defeated, it made me angry and full of "mother bear" defenses. I was ready to do whatever I had to do, stand up to whatever doctors I had to in order to bring my perfectly healthy baby home.

Mama and I camped out at the hospital all day to complete more stupid requirements for Ryan to come home. At 10:30 I went to feed Ryan, and we got them to take his oxygen completely off. Of course, Ryan did just fine. He was fine three days earlier. The rest of the day was spent in feeding him, and trying to get some rest myself.

That night Brenton came to the hospital after work for our final camp out. Ryan had to be off the oxygen for 24 hours, and then there was nothing left to keep him there except for a bunch of stupid requirements which Brenton and I would complete that evening. First there were movies that he and I had to watch. Then, we needed to have "discharge training." Finally, the stupidest test of them all: the carseat test. Now, granted, I can understand that they would want to make sure we had a decent carseat to take Ryan home in, and would want to inspect that. Fine. So we bring it into the nursery for inspection, where they inform us that Ryan had to be strapped into it and monitored for 90 minutes. WHAT?!?! I'm dead serious. That was a requirement to get him released the next day. I was so sick of all the junk they were making us do, that I realized to fight them on it would just be banging my fists against a mountain, so they strapped our baby boy into his carseat, base and all, and had him sit in it for 90 minutes. Good grief!

However, Brenton and I were stubborn enough that by 2 in the morning, with Ryan now 15 hours off the oxygen, we were able to bring our baby into our hospital room with us. They had dragged their feet long enough. Ryan was like any other baby now, and he belonged with us. Brenton set up our camera on a shelf, and we took a picture of our family all in the hospital room, something I had envisioned happening a week earlier, but nonetheless was now happening.

DAY 11: Thursday, September 2nd, 2010

This time Brenton left for work from the hospital, and I stayed there. I was not going to leave that building without my baby, and no way on earth was any doctor going to come up with any more stupid reasons as to why my baby couldn't go home with me that day. I was so done with all their "covering our own backs" stuff, that I was going to do whatever it took to put my foot down and take my baby home. When my mom arrived, I tried to get some sleep until it was time to meet with the doctors. She held Ryan as we waited for the final discharge to take place.

Finally, now that the staff had nothing else to force at me to keep Ryan from coming home, suddenly everyone was all positive. Instead of " We'll keep our fingers crossed!" it was, "when he goes home today be sure to..." They were out of excuses, so all of a sudden Ryan was normal and the staff wondered why he was still here.

We had to wait for the doctor to do a final exam on our little guy, but finally around 2:00 a nurse came in to wheel him down to the NICU to be assessed. I marched right down with him. I was not going to let some doctor make up some excuse as to why my perfectly healthy baby could not go home that day. I was happy to see that even the doctor didn't care about Ryan anymore. All his monitors were taken off before the exam even took place. I knew that meant that in everyone's eyes he was done, and it was time to go home. Ryan passed with flying colors, of course, and we got the green light to pack up all our things.

Brenton raced from work over to the hospital, and I dressed Ryan in the coming home outfit I had envisioned him wearing a week ago. Tears filled my eyes as I knew that finally, our baby was free. He was coming home with us. We strapped him into his carrier and headed out the door. I realized as we stepped outside that this was the first time Ryan had seen daylight, and breathed fresh, outdoor air. We took a picture, place our baby in the car, and drove home. Finally, we had made it.

Now our little son is home, and while I still have a long recovery ahead of me, I'm not going to report everything on a day-to-day basis anymore. The long nightmare is over, and while we're still working out a few adjustments, such as getting him to nurse again because he's used to bottles now, we're working through them. The most important thing is that both Ryan and I are alive, he's a perfectly healthy, baby boy with no lasting side effects, and no more wires or tubes. He keeps us up from 12-4 AM every night just like any other healthy baby. Most importantly, he is so full of life, and when he looks up at me with that perfect little face my heart is overwhelmed with gratitude for the life of my little boy. We are a family, and will be forever. He is our little guy, and he's finally come home.

Ryan Wayne Hoyos: The Start of a Great Adventure, WEEK 1

DAY 2: Tuesday, August 24th, 2010

The first day of the recovery process, but we were so relieved that it was recovery, and not new problems. It was a very hard day for me physically. I couldn't stand, sit up, or move by myself. That is a very humbling position to be in. I was still hooked up to multiple IV's, and being checked on what seemed like every 30 minutes to make sure my vitals were ok. Since I had lost so much blood, my body was running a fever, my blood pressure was low, and my pulse was very high. Not good conditions for recovery from emergency surgery. Not to mention how emotionally worried I was for my little baby.

The day seemed to go by in one very long blur. I began breast pumping for the first time to help make my milk come in when Ryan was ready for it. I also got permission from the doctor to eat solid foods. That was such a blessing. After having nothing but jell-o and apple juice for 48 hours, I was famished. Three square meals that day really helped to improve my red blood cell count.

The best part of the day was when we went down to the NICU to check on Ryan. He was still completely covered in tubes and IV's, but I got permission to hold him for the first time. We had to be very careful, and it seemed almost impossible due to everything he was hooked up to. However, holding that sweet, beautiful boy in my arms was a treasure. I talked to him, sang, to him, and told him how much I loved him. I told him no matter how things turned out physically, we would love him forever as our own.

Our First Family Photo

The Hoyos Family: Brenton, Katie, and Ryan

We spent a fair amount of time discussing things with doctors. It frustrated me how pessimistic everyone was. Whenever Ryan would do something normal for a little baby, and Brenton and I got all excited, someone had to bring their little black raincloud over and say phrases such as, "Well, that doesn't mean he won't have problems later on," or "don't get too excited, now." I was frustrated to no end because of that. With my body surging with hormones, any time a doctor or nurse said something like that my eyes filled with tears.

That evening when I was helped into bed I reached my breaking point physically. I was so beat down that I couldn't even stand up straight. I was hunched over like an 80-year-old woman with osteoporosis. I sobbed into the bed wondering if I'd ever be normal again, and terrified at the thought that I'd never be well enough to take care of my baby. I remember praying myself to sleep begging for help.

Day 3: Wednesday, August 25th, 2010

I started the day by being able to walk to the bathroom by myself, and brush my teeth while standing up straight. I've never been so happy for brushing my teeth. I was also able to get a shower with the help of a bench, but I still did it. It helped me realize that even though the recovery was going to be long, I would recover. It gave me hope. Not just hope in myself physically, but spiritually and emotionally. It gave me hope for my son, Ryan, to recover also. Both of us would just have to take things one day at a time, but we were going to get there.

I don't remember much else from the day, except for wonderful visits from dear friends and several deliveries of flowers to my room. Any time a nurse would come in they'd call my room the flower shop. One of the nurses commented, "You know I've worked here for over 10 years, and I've never seen a room with this many flowers." It made me feel better to see their beautiful blossoms and sweet scent. I was so grateful to have them, but I also remember thinking that I'd trade them in a second to have my little boy in the room with me instead. I missed him every second.

Ryan began making steady progress that day. He was still on all kinds of meds, but he was doing normal baby things. He could suck on a binky, turn his head, and kept trying to pull the oxygen tube out of his nose. It made me so happy to see that he was aware enough to do those things as they were signs of comprehension and strong motor skills.

Snugging a camo blankie. What a guy.

Daddy talking to Ryan

The best part of the day was in the evening. I was resting in my room, and Brenton went down to check on little Ry-guy. About 20 minutes later he rushed into the room to show me a video he took on his cell phone. There was Ryan, wide awake, and completely alert. At one part I heard Brenton say on the video, "Can you say hi to Mommy?" and then I watched my sweet little baby wave his hand at the camera. I all but jumped into my wheel chair as we raced down to the NICU so I could see my baby. There he was, still wide awake. I talked to him, and sang him lullabies as happy tears filled my eyes. I knew that my little boy was going to be just fine. I knew it.

Day 4: Thursday, August 26th, 2010

I was able to get out of bed by myself that morning. It was a slow process, but I did it without help. I also got a shower standing up almost the entire time. Another great achievement. I even walked down the hallway to the NICU twice! The doctors rewarded my progress by taking all my IV's out, and having me just take pills for the pain. I was a free woman!

The most exciting part of the day was being able to hold Ryan again. This time, they let me hold him for over an hour. I asked them if we could do some skin-to-skin contact, to help my milk to come in as I was still having a hard time with that. The nurse surprisingly agreed. It felt so good to hold my baby that close. Little Ryan was so adorable. He quickly turned his whole body so that every inch of skin he could possibly reach he was pressed against. He even maneuvered his little feet so that both would be touching my tummy. He needed this time just as much as I did. We kissed and cuddled, and I dang to him again. Brenton told him stories. We had some wonderful family time just the three of us in that small, curtained off section of the NICU. Because of that little session, I was able to pump a little bottle of colostrum for Ryan. I was so proud!

Day 5: Friday, August 27th, 2010

Well, this was the day Mommy had to be discharged to go home. I was still very weak, and terrified about going home to a split-level duplex with lots of stairs. The thought of tackling several stairs terrified me. But insurance only covered 96 hours in the hospital after a c-section, so home I had to go.

I stayed at the hospital until around 4 o'clock. Before leaving, they removed the staples in my tummy and replaced them with adhesive strips. Brenton packed up all my things and flowers, ran it all home, and then came back to get me.

The hardest part was going to the NICU to say goodbye to Ryan. I knew that I would see him again soon, but it was devastating to see all my dreams of leaving the hospital with my sweet little one in my arms come to a skidding halt. To make things worse, his nurse for the day was a complete jerk to us, and all I wanted to do was snatch my baby away from the terrible place with all the wires and tubes. It broke my heart that I couldn't take care of my own baby, but had to leave him in the hands of someone so mean.

That drive home from the hospital was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. I sobbed and sobbed, worrying every second how Ryan was doing. When we got home, Brenton tried everything he could to keep me comfortable. We had to tell ourselves it could be so much worse. We still had our baby, he was making great progress, he was going to make a full recovery. We had much to be grateful for. I knew that. I had to cling to the faith of the many people praying for us, and remember that all would be well.

Day 6: Saturday, August 28th, 2010

We went to the hospital hoping that I would be able to start feeding Ryan that day, but were disappointed. they told us he needed to go another day. I watched him rooting on his hand, fussing because he was hungry, and all he was getting was sugar water and an IV of vitamins. It was so hard to watch him cry because he was hungry, and I couldn't do anything about it but hold his hand and sing to him. I wondered how much longer this nightmare was going to have to be.

Day 7: Sunday, August 29th, 2010

Finally, a good day. We called the NICU to find out what time we could visit Ryan, and they informed us that I could begin to nurse him that day. I was so excited! We arrived at the NICU at 1:00, and they got Ryan all ready to go. I was nervous because I'd never done this before, and there was no lactation consultant there to help me. I had read all the paperwork on how to breastfeed the night before, and so I hoped everything would work out well. Ryan was such a champ. He clamped right down and latched on the first try. I was so proud of him! After his first feed, we waited the three hours until it was time for his next one. Again, he latched on and fed well. What a guy! I had finally done something for my little boy. For the first time, I left the hospital happy.

And that's how our first week went. We were coming out of the woods. Our baby was making daily progress, as was I. While it was a very rough week, and not how I pictured the postpartum recovery after delivering my first child, we knew he was going to be just fine, and that gave us hope. If there's one thing I learned from this week, it was to always keep that hope, because Heavenly Father always keeps his promises.