Through a Glass, Darkly

This past week has been one of tremendous emotional growth for me. In my church congregation, the women are assigned to look after each other and make sure needs are met. One of the women I was assigned to look after had been struggling with depression. Last Friday, I received a call informing me she had committed suicide. I was shocked. After it sunk in a little more, I was plagued with feelings of immense guilt. "Why didn't I try harder? What more could I have done to help? Why didn't I call and check on her that day? If I had been a better friend, would this still have happened?"

I knew the only way I would feel better and receive comfort was by turning to the Lord for answers. Since my teenage years I have always remembered a saying that goes, "we speak to the Lord through prayer. The Lord speaks to us through scripture." So I knelt and prayed for comfort and understanding of her choice, then turned to the scriptures for answers. At first, the Lord comforted me by letting me know that her choices were her own. I did not need to feel responsible. I received this answer from the Book of Mormon in Helaman 14: 30 which reads, "For behold, ye are free; ye are permitted to act for yourselves; for behold, God hath given unto you a knowledge and he hath made you free." This was the answer I needed immediately, and it gave me great comfort, wiping away my guilt.

As the next few days went by and funeral plans were made, I struggled with many other emotions. I saw how devastated her family was and how alone her husband looked. It made me angry that she chose to leave so many people that loved her. Then I felt angry at myself for being angry at her when I didn't know her personal situation or pain. More than anything else I simply felt overwhelming sadness. In fact, I still do. When someone chooses to take her own life there are so many unanswered questions. What was going through her mind? How accountable is she for that choice? What consequences will this bring her in the eternities?

As I struggled with these feelings and questions I again turned to the Lord for guidance. I prayed for understanding, then turned to my scriptures. I was drawn to 1 Corinthians 13: 12 which reads, "For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: Now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known." As I read I felt the comfort and peace of my Heavenly Father. I knew He loved her, she is His daughter and He knows everything that was going through her mind before she made her choice. She is in His hands and He sees everything with perfect clarity. By trusting in the Lord, I can see part of His plan, but it is through a dark glass. When all is said and done I will see everything with a perfect clarity the way He sees it. Until then, I cling to my faith, and that is enough.

My friend's funeral was yesterday. I played piano for the service. It was immensely difficult. I have performed and participated in funerals before, but none felt as personal as this did for me. As I played the final postlude I finally broke down so that I couldn't read the notes on the page for all the tears. However, since hearing the news last Friday, the stress of all the planning and shock had been so great I hadn't permitted myself to fully let go and have a good cry. It was remarkably cathartic, and gave me a sense of release I had been needing.

I don't know all the answers. I don't know her thoughts, her mental state, her chemical/hormonal balance, or her physical pain. But I do know that Jesus Christ does, and it is ultimately His sacrifice and Atonement that heals all wounds. I know that if I continue to put my trust and faith in Him, one day I will not see this life through a darkened glass, but face to face, with perfect clarity. And for now, that is good enough.