A Good Cleaning

This past Friday Brenton and I visited to the Nashville temple to perform sealings. For those unfamiliar with Latter-day Saint temples, they are different from our weekly meetinghouses. Temples are sacred buildings where church members can participate in ordinances designed to unite families forever and draw closer to God. One of these ordinances is known as a sealing, which binds marriages and families on earth for eternity. In 2009, Brenton and I were married in the Washington D.C. temple, and as part of the ceremony were sealed for time and all eternity. Because of this sacred ordinance, I know no matter what happens here on earth Brenton and I will be together forever with our children. It is one of the greatest blessings I've ever received.

The temple is also a place where that same ordinance can be performed for families who did not have the chance to be sealed during their lifetimes. We perform these sealings by proxy, meaning the same ordinance we did for ourselves is performed with both of us taking the place of those deceased. I find great comfort in knowing the Lord loves all His children and provides this opportunity for those who have passed away.

Before going to the temple, I always like to polish and clean my wedding rings. It's not part of any religious ceremony, just my own personal ritual. When I take the time to clean off the dirt and grime that comes from everyday wear, the diamonds glisten like they did the day Brenton slipped them on my finger. Then at the temple, where everything is so clean and bright, I always delight in seeing my newly shined rings sparkle under the lights. They are a symbol of the eternal commitment I made to love my husband forever, and seeing them in the temple as we perform sealings together brings the whole ordinance full circle for me.

Just as I take time to clean my rings, it reminds me to do a routine cleaning of our marriage, too. The everyday wear and tear of life can build up dirt and grime that if we don't take the time to clear away, can dim the love we once shared. On our drive to the temple I thought about ways I could be a better wife, and things I could do to keep our marriage strong. I looked for weaknesses and planned ways to improve. I shared these ideas with Brenton and told him many things I appreciate about him. When we arrived at the temple it was wonderful to sit in the sealing room together knowing I'd taken the time to clean away the problems and struggles keeping our marriage from shining as brightly as it could. As I held his hand, I was reminded of how sacred and special our marriage is, and was grateful to know it is an eternal bond. The glistening diamonds on my left hand sparkled back at me as a shiny reminder, too.

One Month to Go!!!

Yes, one month from today I'm scheduled to deliver Jackson Rafael via c-section. If I go into labor before then he'll still be delivered through cesarean, but at 39 weeks he's definitely coming out. One month from today. Seeing that date flash across my phone this morning really put into perspective just how close we are to becoming a family of four.

Most days I can't wait to be done with this pregnancy. There's no getting around it: pregnancy stinks. And the thought of going another four weeks with Mr. Boxing Champ using my spleen as a punching bag and bladder as a mattress makes me cringe. Yet again, four weeks? Wow. If I had space in my freezer I'd be making meals for it like crazy. I did pack my suitcase for the hospital, install the carseat, wash and sort all the baby clothes, and make a registry for the few items we could use. I've also been working incredibly hard to make sure Ryan is as prepared as possible for Jackson's arrival. It's taken a few months of diligent patience, but I really feel we have a solid plan, and I'm so proud of my amazing son. Now I'm deep cleaning a part of the house each day since I know I won't be doing any of that for weeks after childbirth. As part of that though, I'm under strict orders not to lift anything over 10 lbs. which is why I'm so grateful Brenton's been working more from his home office and can be here to help. He's been a tremendous support, not that that's any surprise to anyone. I did, in fact, marry Captain Amazing.

I've been incredibly lazy about posting week-by-week belly shots. So before Jackson arrives, perhaps I should update that progress. I missed a few weeks here and there, but you'll get the general idea. (hint: my belly gets bigger over time!)

In case this ends up being my last post before Jackson is born, thank you to each of you for your support, love and prayers. This has been a very difficult pregnancy, and having such wonderful friends and family encouraging me through it has been invaluable. Jackson is proof that prayers are heard and answered in the Lord's way and timing. We are so grateful he is almost here!

Week 19

Week 20

Week 21

Week 22: Forgot to take a pic, but here's us on Easter Sunday that week. 

Week 23

Week 24

Week 25

Week 26

Week 27

Week 28: Forgot a picture, but this is from our 4th anniversary that week

Week 29 Forgot a photo again, but here's a picture from Mother's Day that week

Week 30

Week 31: Forgot a photo, but at the store that week I had to snap a photo of my "bun in the oven!"

Week 32: Sorry, folks. No photo for this week!

Week 33: We went to the Abernathy Family Reunion in Gatlinburg, TN this week. Here's us mini golfing.

Week 34

Daddy's Smile, Mommy's Eyes

There is plenty I need to catch up on, but today I'm more focused on this guy:

In a few months, Ryan's whole world is going to change. It seems he senses this, and has been vying for our attention nearly every second through both good and not-so-good behavior. In a way, it's been helpful to have him pull a personality 180 now, so we have some time to plan and figure out how to help him through this major transition. We're all adjusting and trying new ways to help him feel loved, yet not express his cravings for attention through negative behavior. We have good days and hard days, and almost everything we try takes us two steps forward one week, one step back the next, but it's getting better. While it's definitely requiring more time and effort on my part, Ryan is making me a better mom, and helping me realize not all techniques work for every child.

A few weeks ago I was chatting with my sister about the many reasons I'm so in love with Ryan. There are the obvious things, like how smart, happy, and outgoing he is, but one of my absolute favorite things about Ryan is his smile. Ryan is our first born. He's the first person ever to have both mine and Brenton's genes. He's the beautiful result of our marriage and decision to raise a family. From the first time I witnessed him smile, I knew there was something extra special about him.

You see, Ryan has his daddy's mouth. In fact, from the nose down he is all Daddy. This means every time I see my sweet little boy smile, I see Brenton. When Ryan's happy face beams at me I think, "that's the same smile I fell in love with!" and fall in love with it all over again. I look for hundreds of reasons a day to see Ryan smile and remember the way it felt to fall in love with a green-eyed boy from Kansas. But, Ryan's eyes are brown; a deep, rich, chocolatey brown that's so dark from far away you can't distinguish the iris from the pupil. In short, Ryan has my eyes. It's one of the few physical features he got from me, and I love it. Especially when he smiles, because not only do I get to see the smile I fell in love with, but also the way my eyes look every time Brenton smiles at me. I get the entire package of my husband's smile and my reaction with one look from my son. It's amazing, and I can't get enough of it!

I'm not sure what Jackson's facial features will look like, but I know he'll be the perfect blend of me and Brenton. And who knows? Maybe he'll have my mouth and Brenton's eyes, so Brenton can experience the same thing I do every time Ryan smiles at me!

Baby #2's Big Announcement

I know it's been almost a month since we found out the gender our second baby, but I was holding off blogging about it until we got the pictures back from our friend and professional photographer, Dusty Draper. So while it may not be a surprise for most of you, we are so excited to announce Ryan's soon-to-arrive baby brother!

After my ultrasound, Brenton and I went to the store to get some blue balloons, then put them inside a big box for Ryan. Here's the moment the box opened!

Most likely Ryan was far more excited about the balloons than the fact he's getting a brother, but the moment of surprise was worth it! We were elated to celebrate that special moment as a family. All four of us! 

Showing Ryan Jackson's ultrasound picture. Ryan kept saying, "Oh! That's Jackson! My baby brother! 

We are overjoyed to bring another sweet, precious little boy into our family. Daddy has been very accommodating by moving his office into our bedroom to make a playroom for the boys. We found an old dresser that he's converting into toy shelves, and I've been busy organizing, planning, sewing and crocheting for our baby Jackson. It's amazing to me how the second I found out who our baby was, I knew right away that it was always supposed to be Jackson. I truly felt a sense that he belongs with us, and he's coming at just the right time. We are so excited! 

Jack Jack's first pair of shoes, crocheted by Mommy

Genderly Speaking

I've been a bit lazy with posts during my second trimester. As I mentioned previously, this pregnancy has been far more difficult than Ryan's. My nausea slowly ebbed away during weeks 13-16, and I thought I would finally get some energy back. Unfortunately, I've spent most of the past two months in continued agony not from nausea, but from horrible migraines and severe headaches. My doctor believes them to be due to my ever fluctuating hormones and prescribed Riboflavin (vitamin B2) for the pain. It took about two weeks before I noticed even a slight difference, but now the headaches are manageable. However, sometimes the medicine decides not to work and I'm stuck on the couch for the greater part of an afternoon with an ice pack to my forehead. Who new the baby would be so high maintenance this early on?

Currently I'm 18 weeks, and definitely look very pregnant (see photos at end of post). I'm in stretchy shirts and maternity jeans, getting back pain from the extra weight, and experiencing the joys of insomnia as I try to find a comfortable position each night. This stage in the baby's development also has me looking with great anticipation towards my 20-week ultrasound, when I find out if I'm carrying a boy or girl. Our big day is on March 15th, and I am SO ready to find out!

As the day of gender declaration draws ever closer, I've been thinking a lot about how I will feel once I know who is coming next in our family. I was fairly certain my entire first pregnancy Ryan was a boy. It wasn't really a shock when he proudly showed off his anatomy during my ultrasound. But this one has been a bit trickier. In the beginning, I sincerely hoped for a girl. I thought almost daily, "please give me little girl to put frilly dresses on and make dozens of hair bows for!" Of course it will be fun if Little Peanut is a she-nut, and with this pregnancy being so different from Ryan's I often wonder if the signs are pointed that way, but as the weeks draw closer to finally knowing, I've often longingly imagined how fun it would be to give Ryan a little brother as his best buddy.

So here it is, my thoughts on our second born be it a girl:
If little Angela Rose is on her way, I will be over-the-moon thrilled to welcome a new princess into the family. I've had her Beauty and the Beast room decor planned for years, and you should see my Pinterest board for crochet projects, as almost all of them are baby girl clothing patterns. I would be overjoyed to raise someone who appreciates glittery shoes and tea parties. I tear up just thinking about showing her my treasured paper doll collection. Believe me, at some point in time I will have a daughter, whether it's this pregnancy or another one, and when that day arrives my "forever a little girl playing princess" spirit will be ecstatic.

Thoughts on our second born be it a boy:
If Jackson Rafael is happily growing inside my belly, I will truly be delighted to have another little boy come into our family. I think there's something special about having two of the same gender in a row. Ryan will have a best buddy for life. Every time I ask him if Jackson is coming he says, "yep! And we play trains!" We have a superhero-themed nursery idea for little Jackson, just like Jack-Jack from The Incredibles. Also, having a boy would make things a little easier both mentally and financially. We pretty much have everything we need for another boy, and I'd feel a bit more prepared in raising him because I'll have had a 3 year head start with his big brother. I know how to potty train with little boy equipment in mind. Our house is bursting with trains, cars, planes, and dinosaurs. Jackson would be coming home to a little boy's paradise complete with sandbox, basketball hoop, and adoring big brother to show him the perfect way to pick his nose when Mom's not looking. And let's face it, little boys adore their mamas forever, which makes them pretty easy to love.

Basically, what I'm trying to convey is I'm being honest when I say we are very excited no matter who is on the way, we just really want to know!! I'm grateful technology is so advanced these days that I can find out 20 weeks before the baby comes what to name him/her. Isn't that awesome?

Here's a photo update of my growing belly, weeks 11-18

I didn't take a photo for week 12, but I did have an ultrasound, so here's a picture of our little one!

Cesarean for Life

Indulge me for a moment, because this is the only time I'll bring it up. After this post I will look ahead optimistically and enjoy the perks (be it ever so few) of the hand I've been dealt. Today is not that day. Today, I'm writing about a privilege given to most women that I will never get to have. Ever. It is the privilege of delivering my children vaginally. "How on earth is that a privilege?!" you might ask. "You don't have to deal with hours of agonizing contractions and pushing! You just get to lie on a table, get sliced open and in minutes have a perfect little baby on your chest. Don't tell me you don't have the upper hand!" To those who think vaginal delivery isn't a privilege, for those who are debating on whether or not to request a c-section instead of a vaginal birth, to those who've previously had a c-section and are scared to try for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean), or to women who have received the news that they, too, are limited to only cesarean births, this post is for you.

I'm currently 12 weeks pregnant with my second child. My son Ryan was a normal pregnancy, but a very traumatic birth. For the full details, you can read his birth story here. For the abridged version, Ryan's head was delivered vaginally, but he had severe shoulder dystocia preventing the rest of his body from being delivered. Often the doctor will break the baby's collar bone to pull him out as quickly as possible. Ryan, however, had the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck so tightly that if his body was pulled out it would have strangled him in seconds. Instead, my doctor pushed Ryan's head back up the birth canal and rushed me into an emergency c-section. The surgery itself was also dangerous because Ryan was so big and had to be physically yanked from my birth canal. Freaked out yet? It gets worse. Because my body had pushed for so long then went through emergency surgery, my uterus quit and I hemorrhaged over 2 liters of blood while my baby fought for his life in the NICU. Yes, this is the abridged version of the story.

I'm telling you all of this because it needs to be made perfectly clear that cesarean births are NOT the ideal. Even if they are planned, it is NOT the best situation. How do I know? Because I literally experienced the worst of both versions in the same day. I'm that girl who when all the moms are swapping birth stories says, "I can top that one!" And trust me when I say it is not a desirable title. No one wants to be that girl.

So why am I bringing this up now? That was two and a half years ago. Well, I'm pregnant again. Yay! I get a second chance at an amazing delivery the way I always dreamed it would be. The kind where after hours of exhausting labor I can push my baby into the world and hear it's beautiful, magical cry. My husband will kiss my forehead, hand me our baby, and I will get to cradle the precious miracle I carried for nine months inside of me. Then I will cover the baby with kisses, nurse him/her, and know that all of the treacherous months of pregnancy were worth it! Doesn't that sound wonderful? Amazing? For those who have had this experience I bet your eyes glistened for a minute as you recalled the glory and triumph of doing something more amazing than a superhero, not to mention a gazillion times more rewarding.

Guess what? I will never get to have that. Nope. Not ever.

After Ryan's delivery I was told by my doctors I could only have cesarean sections from here on out. At the time I was grateful to still be able to have children, so I counted my blessings and in the back of my mind thought, "Maybe I'll still be able to do a VBAC. I bet it's possible. They're just saying that to play it safe." Amazingly, my wonderful baby boy and I made a full recovery, so my hopes to possibly do a VBAC increased just a little bit more.

When I moved to Kentucky I became involved in a group called ICAN. It focuses on providing emotional support for women who've had c-sections, and helps them get the facts about safe VBACs. I learned for many moms a VBAC is possible. I met strong, wonderful women who shared their experiences of VBACs and how rewarding it was. These women inspired and informed me of great OBGYNs in the area who supported VBACs. I'll be forever grateful to them because when I found out I was pregnant with Baby #2, I knew just the right doctor to see. She is a champion for VBACs, and has several success stories to her name. I knew if any doctor could help me, she could.

Today I had my 12 week appointment. I looked at my doctor expectantly, knowing she was about to tell me whether or not we could try for a VBAC. I could read her face before she even spoke a word. Nope. It wasn't possible. She told me how brave I was for surviving Ryan's birth, how hard she was going to work to make my next c-section a truly wonderful experience, but the verdict was in. Cesarean for life.

I always kind of knew that would be the answer, but it's still hard to hear I will never get to cradle my baby seconds after its birth. I will never again go through the triumph of delivering my baby the way God intended. Is it a miracle that I'm able to have children still? Yes. Was this option available back in the day? No. I know all of that. I'm not trying to sound ungrateful. I get to plan the actual day our baby is delivered. And yes, the whole process from walking in the door to Baby being born is about an hour. I know all of that, too. The point I'm trying to make is if I could have it the way it's supposed to be, I would. I so badly want the birth experience every mother dreams of, and now I know that will never happen. Also, with each repeat cesarean I build up scar tissue in my uterus, thus continually limiting my ability to have more children. I'll be lucky, I mean very, very lucky if we can have four kids. I've always wanted a big family. I dreamed of having 5 or 6. It's heartbreaking to know that's physically not an option anymore.

As I said, I'm going to focus on the positive side of it from here on out. I will find ways to grow and learn from the situation in front of me. But today, I'm mourning a loss. The loss to be normal. Who knew that was such a gift in the first place?

So for those of you who don't think vaginal delivery is a privilege, thank your lucky stars that whether you choose to have children or not, the fact that you can vaginally is in fact, a precious gift. For those who are thinking about opting for a c-section for no medical reason, or are too afraid to try a VBAC even though your doctor says you can, please reconsider. It is of course, your choice, but be grateful you actually have a choice, and choose wisely. Finally, for the few who, like me, have been branded with cesarean for life, feel free to follow my blog. Together, hopefully we can make this a positive albeit not ideal experience.

Been There: Done That (or not)

I've already been through this whole pregnancy thing before. At 10 1/2 weeks, you'd think I've got a pretty good handle on everything. After all, nothing's new so it should feel doable this time around as I'm not working full time and can nap whenever Ryan does. How naive I was to believe simply because I've done this before it would be the same or even easier!

Nothing, I repeat, NOTHING about this pregnancy is the same as Ryan's. With Ryan I felt sick, but during the day it was pretty manageable for the most part. I can count the number of times on one hand I threw up during those nine months. Not so with this little one. I am sick, sick, sick, all the time. It is relentless! At this point in Ryan's pregnancy I'd gained over 10 pounds and counting. This time I've lost three and counting. All I wanted to eat with Ryan was sugary things. Cake, candy, chocolate, ice cream, you name it, my sweet tooth wanted it. This time all I want is salt. Crackers, soup, chips, pretzels, pickles (mmmm, pickles), if it's salty I'll eat it. With Ryan my acne was worse than a 15-year-old boy's. Now, oddly enough, my face seems to be clearing up. Weird, right? I was so weepy when I expected Ryan. Any time I saw baby anything I sobbed with excitement and fondly caressed my growing tummy. This time around I'm more cranky and some days I even think, "was this really what I was praying for 8 months for? How am I going to do this again?" I think it's just a different balance of hormones than before, because deep down I am truly thrilled and grateful to be pregnant. It's frustrating when my hormones tell me I should feel otherwise.

Basically, it's true when they say every pregnancy is different. My family is convinced I'm carrying a girl this time because my symptoms are so opposite. That may be true, and we would be THRILLED if little Angela Rose is on the way. But we've also got a 50/50 chance that Jackson Rafael's growing rapidly in my belly, and we'd be delighted to have him, too. Besides, if it is Jackson and symptoms are a good indicator of personality, he's going to be nothing like his big brother. Either way the adventure is speeding along, and we're so grateful to be blessed with another little miracle. Here's to hoping my nausea ends with the first trimester in a few more weeks. Just the thought of feeling this miserable for the entire nine months is making me cry. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go throw up for the fourth time today.

Here's an update on my growing belly progress. I was showing much faster with Ryan. This one seems to be taking his/her time. I'm okay with that. :-)

Week 4

Week 5

Week 6

Week 7

 Week 8

Week 9

Week 10

Funny how as each week goes by I look sicker and sicker. Very accurate pictures, indeed.