Indulge me for a moment, because this is the only time I'll bring it up. After this post I will look ahead optimistically and enjoy the perks (be it ever so few) of the hand I've been dealt. Today is not that day. Today, I'm writing about a privilege given to most women that I will never get to have. Ever. It is the privilege of delivering my children vaginally. "How on earth is that a privilege?!" you might ask. "You don't have to deal with hours of agonizing contractions and pushing! You just get to lie on a table, get sliced open and in minutes have a perfect little baby on your chest. Don't tell me you don't have the upper hand!" To those who think vaginal delivery isn't a privilege, for those who are debating on whether or not to request a c-section instead of a vaginal birth, to those who've previously had a c-section and are scared to try for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean), or to women who have received the news that they, too, are limited to only cesarean births, this post is for you.
I'm currently 12 weeks pregnant with my second child. My son Ryan was a normal pregnancy, but a very traumatic birth. For the full details, you can read his birth story here. For the abridged version, Ryan's head was delivered vaginally, but he had severe shoulder dystocia preventing the rest of his body from being delivered. Often the doctor will break the baby's collar bone to pull him out as quickly as possible. Ryan, however, had the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck so tightly that if his body was pulled out it would have strangled him in seconds. Instead, my doctor pushed Ryan's head back up the birth canal and rushed me into an emergency c-section. The surgery itself was also dangerous because Ryan was so big and had to be physically yanked from my birth canal. Freaked out yet? It gets worse. Because my body had pushed for so long then went through emergency surgery, my uterus quit and I hemorrhaged over 2 liters of blood while my baby fought for his life in the NICU. Yes, this is the abridged version of the story.
I'm telling you all of this because it needs to be made perfectly clear that cesarean births are NOT the ideal. Even if they are planned, it is NOT the best situation. How do I know? Because I literally experienced the worst of both versions in the same day. I'm that girl who when all the moms are swapping birth stories says, "I can top that one!" And trust me when I say it is not a desirable title. No one wants to be that girl.
So why am I bringing this up now? That was two and a half years ago. Well, I'm pregnant again. Yay! I get a second chance at an amazing delivery the way I always dreamed it would be. The kind where after hours of exhausting labor I can push my baby into the world and hear it's beautiful, magical cry. My husband will kiss my forehead, hand me our baby, and I will get to cradle the precious miracle I carried for nine months inside of me. Then I will cover the baby with kisses, nurse him/her, and know that all of the treacherous months of pregnancy were worth it! Doesn't that sound wonderful? Amazing? For those who have had this experience I bet your eyes glistened for a minute as you recalled the glory and triumph of doing something more amazing than a superhero, not to mention a gazillion times more rewarding.
Guess what? I will never get to have that. Nope. Not ever.
After Ryan's delivery I was told by my doctors I could only have cesarean sections from here on out. At the time I was grateful to still be able to have children, so I counted my blessings and in the back of my mind thought, "Maybe I'll still be able to do a VBAC. I bet it's possible. They're just saying that to play it safe." Amazingly, my wonderful baby boy and I made a full recovery, so my hopes to possibly do a VBAC increased just a little bit more.
When I moved to Kentucky I became involved in a group called ICAN. It focuses on providing emotional support for women who've had c-sections, and helps them get the facts about safe VBACs. I learned for many moms a VBAC is possible. I met strong, wonderful women who shared their experiences of VBACs and how rewarding it was. These women inspired and informed me of great OBGYNs in the area who supported VBACs. I'll be forever grateful to them because when I found out I was pregnant with Baby #2, I knew just the right doctor to see. She is a champion for VBACs, and has several success stories to her name. I knew if any doctor could help me, she could.
Today I had my 12 week appointment. I looked at my doctor expectantly, knowing she was about to tell me whether or not we could try for a VBAC. I could read her face before she even spoke a word. Nope. It wasn't possible. She told me how brave I was for surviving Ryan's birth, how hard she was going to work to make my next c-section a truly wonderful experience, but the verdict was in. Cesarean for life.
I always kind of knew that would be the answer, but it's still hard to hear I will never get to cradle my baby seconds after its birth. I will never again go through the triumph of delivering my baby the way God intended. Is it a miracle that I'm able to have children still? Yes. Was this option available back in the day? No. I know all of that. I'm not trying to sound ungrateful. I get to plan the actual day our baby is delivered. And yes, the whole process from walking in the door to Baby being born is about an hour. I know all of that, too. The point I'm trying to make is if I could have it the way it's supposed to be, I would. I so badly want the birth experience every mother dreams of, and now I know that will never happen. Also, with each repeat cesarean I build up scar tissue in my uterus, thus continually limiting my ability to have more children. I'll be lucky, I mean very, very lucky if we can have four kids. I've always wanted a big family. I dreamed of having 5 or 6. It's heartbreaking to know that's physically not an option anymore.
As I said, I'm going to focus on the positive side of it from here on out. I will find ways to grow and learn from the situation in front of me. But today, I'm mourning a loss. The loss to be normal. Who knew that was such a gift in the first place?
So for those of you who don't think vaginal delivery is a privilege, thank your lucky stars that whether you choose to have children or not, the fact that you can vaginally is in fact, a precious gift. For those who are thinking about opting for a c-section for no medical reason, or are too afraid to try a VBAC even though your doctor says you can, please reconsider. It is of course, your choice, but be grateful you actually have a choice, and choose wisely. Finally, for the few who, like me, have been branded with cesarean for life, feel free to follow my blog. Together, hopefully we can make this a positive albeit not ideal experience.
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I love you and I am so sorry for that loss. You are such an inspiration to me and I am sending you a great big virtual hug.
ReplyDeleteAww I'm sorry Katie :( I don't even had kids and this made tear up! It'll be OK!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you. You are not alone, I too had to have c-sections. After Emerson, our doctor told me it would be too dangerous to have any more children naturally. I wanted 5 children (always have) & when i realized that would never happen naturally, I was heart broken. Im thinking of you & know Im here if you ever need to talk. Its very sad to hear that our number of children is limited but us women who go through the pain & long recoveries of c-sections are also Amazing. You are an Amazing Mom Katie.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your post Katie! You are such a wonderful mom that all of your children will be truly blessed to have you as their mom! There are a lot of things that many people don't really understand about life and womanhood and motherhood, but your courage is really a strength to your family and those around you! Much love!!
ReplyDeleteKatie, I do appreciate what you are feeling. Missing a vaginal delivery is an emotional loss, and those who don't face that reality don't get it. There is a sense of helplessness at the thought of relying on technology for the birth of your child. I know you are grateful for the blessing of being able to bear children, period....but it's OK to grieve a little bit at the loss of the natural experience. One of my daughters will be having her fourth c-section this summer, and she battled those same emotions with her second child. She read the books, joined the support groups, etc. just like you. She tried a VBAC for that second delivery but her uterus labored unproductively and dangerously, so she eventually delivered by cesarean. Now, her safety dictates the future, and she has found peace with the reality of it. Trust me when I say that a planned cesarean will be infinitely more positive for you than the emergency one! I promise. You will find your own version of personal triumph at the birth of your child.
ReplyDelete(And, for what it's worth...I have two acquaintances who have had five c-sections!)
ReplyDeleteKatie, Ryan and I share the same birth story! After 3 hours of labor and having my head come out, I was shoved back in and "reborn," via C-section, as we say in my house. Being currently pregnant and having a mother who had 3 C-sections, (and sings the praises) I've been on the fence. I'm a baby when it comes to pain and frankly the idea of having an epidural and a baby an hour later is very enticing. I'm not drawn to the idea of laboring for hours (or days!). However I know that in less there is a real medical reason for me this is a fear/ challenge I have to face.
ReplyDeleteDo not view it as a loss. Rather a new adventure that you, Brenton, and Baby will get to go have. :)
P.S- I know someone who had 6 C-sections, do not fret. :-D
I hope that by writing and expressing your feelings that you feel a little more at peace. You're right to focus on the positives - the fact that you had a conception, a healthy pregnancy, a full term baby, and a husband who loves you. From my side of the fence, I'm just happy that you stayed inside my womb when I went into labor at 20 weeks, were born healthy 16 weeks of bedrest later, and survived a fatal illness in your first month of life. There were quite a few days when none of that seemed possible. Pull out that white hospital blankie and remember that you were born to succeed.
ReplyDeleteNot sharing the same trial, I can't ever understand your disappointment, but I'm sending you all my love and sympathy. It's probably not much of a consolation, but that vaginal birth experience you describe, is from the movies. After 3 successful vaginal births, more or less free of complications (nothing life threatening anyway) I never felt that beautiful moment of hearing my child's first cry. It was never special. Never. With Riannyn, I was so exhausted I forgot to listen. I was just shocked I was actually done, and completely overwhelmed with exhaustion and relief. With Merrylee, the pain was even worse, and I don't even remember if I forgot to listen or not. I just remember the pain was so, so, so very bad. With Ben, the epidural worked, but he came without the doctor in the room, so I was freaked out that he was laying there helpless on the bed while a nervous nurse was scrubbing up, trying to get someone, anyone, to answer her cries on the walkie talkie for backup. No glistening tears, but lots of glistening sweat. I think what you're imagining you're missing, is truly, in your imagination. Birth is a messy business, no matter how it happens. It's dramatic, it's painful, it's bloody, it's scary. No matter the method! It's just not a glamorous, beautiful thing. The fact that a baby is being born is beautiful, but not while you're there. It's beautiful to reflect on the idea of a child entering the world. Note "reflect". It's just not a beautiful moment to live. I have yet to have met a mother who was fully able to live in that moment. If they claim they did, they're in denial, or are really good at suppressing bad memories. Your next experience will be so much better. Easy for me to say "Don't be sad", I know. It's like the husband standing by the bed, patting his wife's hand, saying, "it'll be ok". But I'm tellin' ya, you're not missing what you think you're missing. The beautiful moments come after the birth, and isn't it wonderful knowing you will have those in hundredfold? Have you seen What to Expect yet? If you have, you'll recognize the line, your baby is your "glow". The only miracle of birth, is the child itself. Not the experience.
ReplyDeleteHi Katie. :) I understand the smallest bit of what you're feeling. I too had an emergency c-section after 30 hours of labor and 1 hour of pushing. But it was not as life-threatening. I did not understand that I was being put under so when I woke up I thought the spinal was just finally working and said I was ready for the c-section. They told me it was already done and baby was in the NICU.
ReplyDeleteI was devastated- both by the c-section and by missing the entire birth. I felt like a total failure as a woman. I didn't feel like I had birthed a baby- it had just been taken from me. I had a hard time forgiving those doctors. It took me years. I know too well the grief and loss that comes from an emergency c-section and I can imagine that the lost opportunity of having the birth you want is so much greater too. I think it is ok and even good to grieve about that. I don't think you can move past it until you have grieved.
But for me I was able to have three successful VBACs after that. It was a huge amazing blessing and when I stop to actually think about it I am overwhelmed with gratitude that somehow it all worked out. My last 2 were planned natural births and were pretty close to what you described. I think birth can be a magical empowering journey- especially when you learn to manage the contraction pain not just live through it.
But birth IS magical. Even c-sections. You are bringing another sweet spirit into this world! Things will be calm enough this time that you will be able to hear that first cry and know that your baby is healthy and perfect and YOU did that. You grew an amazing and beautiful baby and YOU gave life and birth to your sweet child. :) I hope the experience is a beautiful one for you and that you're able to grieve your lost opportunity as you need to and be able to find peace with this trial.
Good luck to you and your precious family!
P.S. My comma key is broken so sorry for the horrible punctuation!