On the Brink

Yes, the rumors are true. We are looking/hoping/praying to be moving out of Utah in the not-too-distant future. Brenton's classes will be finished by the end of Winter semester, and then all he has left is in internship, which we can pretty much do anywhere. YAY!!! Can there really be a light at the end of the tunnel that is not, in fact, an oncoming train? Are we really going to be able to move?! Please do not misunderstand. I have wonderful friends out here. We are very happy and will be sad to move away from the great friendships we've made, but it's time. Actually, it's beyond time for me.

Utah has been the site of so much joy, love, pain, suffering, discouragement, promise, and most of all growth for me. I feel like it marked a poignant era, but that era has passed. It's very hard to remain in your college town after you've graduated college. To me it feels like a canvas full of strokes that made up my college years, and now that I've moved on and have a completely different life, I'm repainting over that same dull, completely-covered-with-old-paint-canvas. I want a new one. I want to move to a place where my mind and lifestyle have already been for over two years now. I am SO ready to move on.

While I met Brenton out here and have many fond memories of our courtship, I also have several painful memories of past events, people and places that I do not enjoy seeing on a practically daily basis. I have moved on from those choices and people, yet somehow every time I think I've pushed it all away something comes up where the past is slammed in my face. Truthfully, I hate it. I've moved on, why can't the world do the same? I feel it's mostly because I'm still here. It some ways it feels like a reformed alcoholic who is still working at a bar. Not the most ideal of situations. Now of course it's not that extreme for me, but a metaphor none the less.

This post is not meant for me to seem ungrateful. We have been so blessed here. Truly. Since marrying Brenton our lives have been a fairy tale. We are so lucky with all that has been given to us, and I am sometimes a bit confused when people talk about how difficult the first few years of marriage are. If these are the hardest years, the rest of lives will be complete bliss! I know that much help and blessings have come because of where we have been living. I'm just ready to put the past behind me not only mentally, but physically, too.

I know that to some extent the past never truly leaves us, but I can leave the place where it all occurred and face the future with faith. I am so excited for Brenton, Ryan and I to strike out and pave our destiny as a family. We are giddy at the prospect of going some place back East. So for now we are searching for internships, looking at the cost of living in various areas, and writing down our Provo Bucket List (it's pretty short). Updates will follow as we decide where our next adventure will take us, and I am THRILLED that it's time to start looking!

A Successful Venture

Yes, my friends, the garden was a fantastic success! Remember that cute little plot we had in May, with all the seeds and starter plants in their organized rows and boxes?

Here it is today....

 

Quite the jungle, huh?! We are so proud of our little garden, and how much produce it has given us this summer. We've picked dozens of tomatoes and green beans, bunches of herbs, plenty of zuchinni, lettuce, peppers, corn, cucmbers and spring onions, and this week the melons are all starting to come in. We also have about a dozen pumpkins ripening for the Fall season, and a few butternut squashes, too!

It has been such a thrill for me to water, nurture, watch, and pray over these plants throughout the season. I have been especially proud of the plants we grew from seed. I was nervous about planting those, because I'd never done it before. But each plant came through and brought us quite the bountiful harvest. What a wonderful blessing for our family. Even now as I type this post I'm happily eating a fresh cucumber and several cherry tomatoes, of course. Ryan and I still go out every day and pick handfuls of the delicious little tomatoes and giggle excitedly as we eat them together. It's one of my favorite parts of the day. 

All of this abundance of harvest has made me so grateful for the gifts from my Heavenly Father. Watching his creations grow that I planted myself has given me a deeper respect for Him and His plan. It has been amazing to watch them grow as my son grew right alongside them. Each experience helped me to see the joy in nurturing, and why I'm so happy to be a mother. 

So here's to another wonderful summer full of tasty fruits and veggies. There is so much to be learned from growing a garden, and being able to really see the "fruits of [my] labors."  I'm off to make a batch of zucchini bread. Mmmmm! 

The Audition

I took a chance yesterday. I put myself out there, and auditioned for a play. It's a goal I've had for awhile, But I haven't auditioned for anything in a very long time. It is one of the most emotional things a melodramatic person can do, especially if said person has only been off Zoloft for a week and a half. I'm essentially putting myself out there to be picked apart. I'm stepping into the room and non-verbally saying, "Ok, what's wrong with me?" Why on earth would anyone do that? What was I thinking?

I'll tell you why. Because deep down, I love it. I love getting to pretend to be someone else even if it's just for a minute. I love getting dressed up and showing off. Is it nerve racking? Of course it is, but not when I'm in the moment. When I was delivering my monologues, I wasn't thinking, "how am I doing? Do they like me? Am I convincing?" I was simply performing, and it was wonderful. I walked out of that audition room feeling ten times bigger because I proved to myself that I can do something difficult. I can stand up on a pedestal, smile, and watch people ridicule me with their eyes. I proved to myself that I can do hard things.

Did I get the part? Of course not. I haven't auditioned in years. While of course getting the part was my goal, my more important goal was getting out there and proving to myself that I could do it. And I'm well aware it's going to take several tries before I see any fruit from it. But I still did it.

Auditioning is such a tricky business. On the one hand, unlike a normal job interview, if you don't get the part it isn't because you didn't have the right skills. Most of the time it's because you didn't fit what the director had in mind. That's really all it is. On the other hand, you get rejected A LOT. It's part of the game. And let's not kid ourselves, getting rejected hurts. Every. Single. Time. It never gets easier. And you'll come up with reasons all day long as to why you weren't good enough or what went wrong, but it doesn't make you feel better.

So, today I get to be sad about being rejected. I could say, "it doesn't hurt. I didn't want it anyway," but that's a big fat lie. If I didn't want it, I wouldn't have auditioned. Of course I wanted it. Of course I'm sad I didn't get it. Yes, I'm probably going to enjoy a milkshake today to make myself feel better. But tomorrow, I get to move on from it all. I get to dry my eyes and tell myself that this will not damage the view I have of myself, and it will not affect my determination to audition again. I get to look at new auditions and practice for those. And I also get to be a mother who's in love with her sweet baby and wonderful husband.

So while today is ce la vie, tomorrow is carpe diem!

My Favorite Snack

I will write a separate post about our huge garden when I have a bit more time. Right now, I'd just like to give a quick tribute to my favorite snack, which of course comes from our huge garden: cherry tomatoes. They're growing so quickly that each day whenever I'm feeling a bit peckish, I can go outside and pick a handful.  I give them a quick rinse in the sink, and then sit down and enjoy! Ryan's a big fan of them, too. And we can eat as many as we want, because unlike a bag of potato chips, cherry tomatoes aren't bad for you! YUM!! So thank you, cherry tomatoes. Thank you for solving my daily "I need a munchie snack right now" urges. How I will miss you when the first frost comes and I can no longer enjoy your deliciousness. Until then, thank you for the happiness you give me with your sweet, juicy, goodness! (and yes, I had to eat a handful while typing this, because just thinking about them made me want some!)

It's all Pretend, or is it?

It's Sunday afternoon, Ryan's happily watching Baby Einstein while pulling all the diapers out the box, Brenton is still finishing up meetings for his calling at church, and I'm sitting here writing a blog post instead of making dinner. Yep, sounds like a typical Sunday afternoon. Don't worry, I'll get around to dinner. I always do, I'm just not feeling it right now.

A few updates on my fascinating and wonderful life. First, Ryan is now walking everywhere like a pro. He still can't pull himself up without the help from a nearby piece of furniture, but once he's standing he takes off like a bullet. I'm bursting with pride every time he does it.  Next, My second plateau of weight-loss has broken, and the pounds are slowly coming off again. I'm in this limbo stage where my current clothes are too big, but my pre-pregnancy ones are still too small. Still, I can't complain when I step on the scale in the morning and see the number has decreased from the week before.

During these last few weeks of Summer Brenton and I will be going to Arizona for a few days to see one of my dear friends get married. Not to mention my best friend is coming along with us, and we will also get to visit some of Brenton's family while down there. I also have two more Owlz games that I get to sing the National Anthem for, Brenton's birthday is this week, and Ryan's just a few more weeks after that. I have a feeling August is going to go by pretty quickly. I'm going to try and squeeze in a few more trips to Seven Peaks Waterpark, too.

Ok, updating's over. Now to get to the title of my post. Since I was a little girl I have always played pretend games. Even as a two-year-old, I'd pretend my fingers were people and have them go to the playground, pool, or even church, all in my head. I can remember when I was around six or seven, trying to sit quietly through the first hour of church in the chapel, pretending I was 12-inches tall and swinging from the chandeliers up above me.

As I got older, most of my pretend games were influenced by whatever movie I'd seen the weekend before. In third grade, I saw "Undercover Blues" for the first time, and for weeks after pretended both of my parents were secret agents and taught me everything they knew. I'd make up all kinds of secret spy gadgets and run around the backyard using them. With all my fun games and pretending, the one I imagined most often was of course, being a princess. I don't think I ever really let that one go, even when I was playing a different pretend game.

Now at this point, most people begin to grow up and stop playing pretend games. They helped spark the imagination as a kid, but afterwards there's no longer a need for them. Well I beg to differ. For those who know me well, or even those who don't and all you've read is my blogger profile, I'm a princess. Seriously. I never gave that pretend game up. In college, I'd pretend I was leaving my castle to go off and learn abroad. I would study hard because I'd pretend that an entire court was counting on me to do my best. As I dated, I knew that I was being sought after because I was a princess who would only settle for the best. I knew when I met Brenton that he was the prince for me. We had quite the fairy tale courtship and wedding. It was perfect.

Now at this point some of you may think I'm nuts, but let me tell you what a difference this pretend game has made in my life. The truth is it's not that far from reality. I am a noble daughter of God: a true princess. If I do all I can to live worthy of that title, I will be welcomed home in the royal courts on high. When I wake up in the morning, I think about how important it is that I live up to that title. I hold my head up a little higher, and try to remember all the things that set a princess apart. It improves my self-esteem, my attitude, and my actions. It also brings out my feminine side, which I've always loved. It's easier to be charming and graceful when you're pretending to be a princess getting all dressed up to welcome her prince charming home.

So if you're having a tough day and can't seem to get into the right mood, try pretending to be a princess. Think of everything you would have to do to live up to that title, and don't forget all the fun and frills along the way. That's one of the best parts of being a princess. Try it, and suddenly you'll remember who you are, and all the potential you have. It's always worked for me!

Choosing to See

Looks like time ran away from me again, and it's been over a month since I've posted. I could write a long catch-up post, but quite honestly the thought seems exhausting and by the time I finished I'd have to update on everything else I missed while updating, which I really don't have the stamina for. So instead I'll just share some of my recent thoughts.

A few days ago I was online looking at dresses and shirts. What started out as being a quick search for a top turned into over an hour of mindless browsing at clothes I knew I couldn't fit into anymore. You see, I'm still struggling daily with the way I look. Every morning I can't help but notice my glaring postpartum imperfections. I try so hard to tell myself it doesn't matter, but somehow I can't shake off the negativity, just like I can't shake off the pounds. I am now realizing how much society really does push the tiny hour-glass physique. I never noticed it much before because I had a great figure, and could pull off virtually any style I wanted. It's definitely a new thing to have a very small fashion pool of looks I can pull off, and that hurts. I'm well aware that I let it eat at me way more than I should. It is an immensely difficult mental battle.

So, back to looking at clothes online. The whole time I was doing this, Ryan was pulling my leg, trying to show me toys and fussing. Now that he's 10 months old, I don't even realize that I can tune him out so easily. His fussing fades into the background the same way the AC does. As I perused different websites looking for something to make me look skinnier, I was unconsciously ignoring my son. Not the most ideal maternal quality. I'm not sure what made me snap out of it, but for whatever reason I logged off the computer and turned to my baby boy. He gave me the biggest smile and laughed excitedly, because he knew he'd finally succeeded in gaining my attention.

As I picked him up and held him close, I realized how foolish I'd been for the past half hour. By choosing to remain depressed by the loss of my flattering figure, I am was in a sense choosing my looks over my son. Humbled, I immediately changed my perspective. Ryan is the greatest accomplishment of my entire life. There is nothing in the world I've had to give more for, but there has also been nothing as rewarding. He is so amazing. Watching him walk for the first time yesterday made me prouder than I've ever been. Am I really going to waste time I could be spending with him worrying about my body image? Can I truly be that superficial?

I'd like to say that this one experience has cured me of my insecurities with my figure, but I know better. That being said, the point of this post was not to receive pity or try fishing for compliments, but merely a confession that I'm not perfect. The Lord knows that, but He also knows my potential to do good and become better. That is why he has given me such an amazing child to raise, because Ryan has taught me far more than I'll ever teach him. I am discovering more and more each day how my Heavenly Father sends me personal revelation through my interactions with my son. My requirement is choosing to see the love and lesson behind the experience.

It may be that I will live with this extra weight for the rest of my life, or it may be that it will be gone eventually. Either way I will need to constantly battle the natural instinct to see the worst in myself, and instead show more gratitude for my blessings by serving others. That's my new recipe for positive self-image, and by working at it everyday I know it will begin to change the way I see myself no matter what the scale or tape measure reads. The choice to see always remains with me.

A Gardening Adventure

Last year, Brenton and I had a very successful crop of tomatoes, zucchini, and herbs. This year we did some research, and decided to attempt square-foot gardening. Here are the steps we did to begin our garden.

Step 1. Acquire wood and soil to build boxes for plants. We got wood from the scrap pile at CFC Fencing in South Provo. They leave all the fencing they tear out just outside their property for anyone to pick up for free. Awesome. Also, with square-foot gardening, the soil is really important, so we ordered ours from Wolf Mountain through a friend who works there.

 You can see our soil in the background

Brenton ingeniously constructed all our boxes. 

Step 2. Clear space in your garden plot for the boxes.

Brenton was our hero, and cleared away all the prickly branches.

Step 3. Purchase plants and seeds. I don't have a picture of our trip to the store, but we managed to get two $40 gift certificates to McCord's garden center for $13 apiece through Groupon. It was a smart move, and we were able to get the following starter plants: cilantro, basil, oregano, rosemary, tomatoes, Grape tomatoes, Jalapeños, Red Bell peppers, Spring onions, pumpkins, Butternut squash, lettuce, spinach, cucumbers, and zucchini. We also got seeds for corn, more pumpkins, watermelon, sugar baby watermelon, cantelope, honeydew, and green beans. YUM!!!

Step 4. Plant Boxes. Before putting down the boxes, instead of going out and buying expensive ground cloth that "supposedly" keeps weeds out (I've heard it doesn't really work), lay down sheets of newspaper. It's much cheaper, free in fact if you used your junk mail, and for us, The Daily Universe. Make sure the newspaper goes past the box, so no weeds creep inside. Fill the box with your good soil, then plant the plants!

I only had stamina to plant the first two boxes before I was tuckered out. Here's our pepper box, and our herb box. You can do approximately 4 plants per box. 

Step 5. Take a nap. You may feel this step isn't important, but believe me. It's crucial!! 

I love how Ry-guy's snugging a Wii remote. Precious. 

Step 6. Plant the rest of the boxes. 

While it's not required, cute gardening boots are a big help. 

We are very proud of our boxes! 

Step 7. Plant the melons, corn, pumpkins, squash, and lettuce in the sandier natural soil in your backyard, but make sure the soil is turned, and fertilized. I did this while Brenton was at work, so I didn't take any pictures of it. 

Step 8. Once everything has been planted, compost the entire garden. Again, I did this while Brenton was at work, so no picture. 

Step 9. Make support structures for the plants to grow vertically in the boxes. We used plastic netting and bamboo poles. For the tomatoes, we just put tomato cages right in the box. 

Step 10. Place newspaper around all the garden boxes, and around all plants that have already sprouted. This makes it so you don't have to weed all summer. We did this last year, and didn't have to mulch once. It's a Southern garden trick from my mother's best friend. 

See, there really is a use for The Daily Universe! By the time I was done gardening that day, all my shorts were covered in dirt, so I had to start wearing Brenton's. 

Step 11. Wet down the newspaper. If you don't get it wet quickly, it won't stay where you put it, even if you mulch and then wet it. You need to completely soak the newspaper before you do anything else.

 Going for the reach. Our hose only goes so far, so you have to get creative.

We use a hose attachment called a rainmaker. It's really great because it waters well without disturbing the soil from the high pressure of the hose by itself. 

Once everything's been watered, cover the whole garden with mulch to seal in the moisture, and keep the newspaper in place. My favorite mulch is red cedar, because it smells so good and looks so pretty. 

And there you have it!! We are so excited about our garden this summer. I can't wait to see how everything turns out. So those of you who live in Provo, now would be the time to start buttering up to us to get your hands on fresh fruits and veggies this summer!