Choosing to See

Looks like time ran away from me again, and it's been over a month since I've posted. I could write a long catch-up post, but quite honestly the thought seems exhausting and by the time I finished I'd have to update on everything else I missed while updating, which I really don't have the stamina for. So instead I'll just share some of my recent thoughts.

A few days ago I was online looking at dresses and shirts. What started out as being a quick search for a top turned into over an hour of mindless browsing at clothes I knew I couldn't fit into anymore. You see, I'm still struggling daily with the way I look. Every morning I can't help but notice my glaring postpartum imperfections. I try so hard to tell myself it doesn't matter, but somehow I can't shake off the negativity, just like I can't shake off the pounds. I am now realizing how much society really does push the tiny hour-glass physique. I never noticed it much before because I had a great figure, and could pull off virtually any style I wanted. It's definitely a new thing to have a very small fashion pool of looks I can pull off, and that hurts. I'm well aware that I let it eat at me way more than I should. It is an immensely difficult mental battle.

So, back to looking at clothes online. The whole time I was doing this, Ryan was pulling my leg, trying to show me toys and fussing. Now that he's 10 months old, I don't even realize that I can tune him out so easily. His fussing fades into the background the same way the AC does. As I perused different websites looking for something to make me look skinnier, I was unconsciously ignoring my son. Not the most ideal maternal quality. I'm not sure what made me snap out of it, but for whatever reason I logged off the computer and turned to my baby boy. He gave me the biggest smile and laughed excitedly, because he knew he'd finally succeeded in gaining my attention.

As I picked him up and held him close, I realized how foolish I'd been for the past half hour. By choosing to remain depressed by the loss of my flattering figure, I am was in a sense choosing my looks over my son. Humbled, I immediately changed my perspective. Ryan is the greatest accomplishment of my entire life. There is nothing in the world I've had to give more for, but there has also been nothing as rewarding. He is so amazing. Watching him walk for the first time yesterday made me prouder than I've ever been. Am I really going to waste time I could be spending with him worrying about my body image? Can I truly be that superficial?

I'd like to say that this one experience has cured me of my insecurities with my figure, but I know better. That being said, the point of this post was not to receive pity or try fishing for compliments, but merely a confession that I'm not perfect. The Lord knows that, but He also knows my potential to do good and become better. That is why he has given me such an amazing child to raise, because Ryan has taught me far more than I'll ever teach him. I am discovering more and more each day how my Heavenly Father sends me personal revelation through my interactions with my son. My requirement is choosing to see the love and lesson behind the experience.

It may be that I will live with this extra weight for the rest of my life, or it may be that it will be gone eventually. Either way I will need to constantly battle the natural instinct to see the worst in myself, and instead show more gratitude for my blessings by serving others. That's my new recipe for positive self-image, and by working at it everyday I know it will begin to change the way I see myself no matter what the scale or tape measure reads. The choice to see always remains with me.