Tale as Old as Time: January 2013

Indulge me for a moment, because this is the only time I'll bring it up. After this post I will look ahead optimistically and enjoy the perks (be it ever so few) of the hand I've been dealt. Today is not that day. Today, I'm writing about a privilege given to most women that I will never get to have. Ever. It is the privilege of delivering my children vaginally. "How on earth is that a privilege?!" you might ask. "You don't have to deal with hours of agonizing contractions and pushing! You just get to lie on a table, get sliced open and in minutes have a perfect little baby on your chest. Don't tell me you don't have the upper hand!" To those who think vaginal delivery isn't a privilege, for those who are debating on whether or not to request a c-section instead of a vaginal birth, to those who've previously had a c-section and are scared to try for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean), or to women who have received the news that they, too, are limited to only cesarean births, this post is for you.

I'm currently 12 weeks pregnant with my second child. My son Ryan was a normal pregnancy, but a very traumatic birth. For the full details, you can read his birth story here. For the abridged version, Ryan's head was delivered vaginally, but he had severe shoulder dystocia preventing the rest of his body from being delivered. Often the doctor will break the baby's collar bone to pull him out as quickly as possible. Ryan, however, had the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck so tightly that if his body was pulled out it would have strangled him in seconds. Instead, my doctor pushed Ryan's head back up the birth canal and rushed me into an emergency c-section. The surgery itself was also dangerous because Ryan was so big and had to be physically yanked from my birth canal. Freaked out yet? It gets worse. Because my body had pushed for so long then went through emergency surgery, my uterus quit and I hemorrhaged over 2 liters of blood while my baby fought for his life in the NICU. Yes, this is the abridged version of the story.

I'm telling you all of this because it needs to be made perfectly clear that cesarean births are NOT the ideal. Even if they are planned, it is NOT the best situation. How do I know? Because I literally experienced the worst of both versions in the same day. I'm that girl who when all the moms are swapping birth stories says, "I can top that one!" And trust me when I say it is not a desirable title. No one wants to be that girl.

So why am I bringing this up now? That was two and a half years ago. Well, I'm pregnant again. Yay! I get a second chance at an amazing delivery the way I always dreamed it would be. The kind where after hours of exhausting labor I can push my baby into the world and hear it's beautiful, magical cry. My husband will kiss my forehead, hand me our baby, and I will get to cradle the precious miracle I carried for nine months inside of me. Then I will cover the baby with kisses, nurse him/her, and know that all of the treacherous months of pregnancy were worth it! Doesn't that sound wonderful? Amazing? For those who have had this experience I bet your eyes glistened for a minute as you recalled the glory and triumph of doing something more amazing than a superhero, not to mention a gazillion times more rewarding.

Guess what? I will never get to have that. Nope. Not ever.

After Ryan's delivery I was told by my doctors I could only have cesarean sections from here on out. At the time I was grateful to still be able to have children, so I counted my blessings and in the back of my mind thought, "Maybe I'll still be able to do a VBAC. I bet it's possible. They're just saying that to play it safe." Amazingly, my wonderful baby boy and I made a full recovery, so my hopes to possibly do a VBAC increased just a little bit more.

When I moved to Kentucky I became involved in a group called ICAN. It focuses on providing emotional support for women who've had c-sections, and helps them get the facts about safe VBACs. I learned for many moms a VBAC is possible. I met strong, wonderful women who shared their experiences of VBACs and how rewarding it was. These women inspired and informed me of great OBGYNs in the area who supported VBACs. I'll be forever grateful to them because when I found out I was pregnant with Baby #2, I knew just the right doctor to see. She is a champion for VBACs, and has several success stories to her name. I knew if any doctor could help me, she could.

Today I had my 12 week appointment. I looked at my doctor expectantly, knowing she was about to tell me whether or not we could try for a VBAC. I could read her face before she even spoke a word. Nope. It wasn't possible. She told me how brave I was for surviving Ryan's birth, how hard she was going to work to make my next c-section a truly wonderful experience, but the verdict was in. Cesarean for life.

I always kind of knew that would be the answer, but it's still hard to hear I will never get to cradle my baby seconds after its birth. I will never again go through the triumph of delivering my baby the way God intended. Is it a miracle that I'm able to have children still? Yes. Was this option available back in the day? No. I know all of that. I'm not trying to sound ungrateful. I get to plan the actual day our baby is delivered. And yes, the whole process from walking in the door to Baby being born is about an hour. I know all of that, too. The point I'm trying to make is if I could have it the way it's supposed to be, I would. I so badly want the birth experience every mother dreams of, and now I know that will never happen. Also, with each repeat cesarean I build up scar tissue in my uterus, thus continually limiting my ability to have more children. I'll be lucky, I mean very, very lucky if we can have four kids. I've always wanted a big family. I dreamed of having 5 or 6. It's heartbreaking to know that's physically not an option anymore.

As I said, I'm going to focus on the positive side of it from here on out. I will find ways to grow and learn from the situation in front of me. But today, I'm mourning a loss. The loss to be normal. Who knew that was such a gift in the first place?

So for those of you who don't think vaginal delivery is a privilege, thank your lucky stars that whether you choose to have children or not, the fact that you can vaginally is in fact, a precious gift. For those who are thinking about opting for a c-section for no medical reason, or are too afraid to try a VBAC even though your doctor says you can, please reconsider. It is of course, your choice, but be grateful you actually have a choice, and choose wisely. Finally, for the few who, like me, have been branded with cesarean for life, feel free to follow my blog. Together, hopefully we can make this a positive albeit not ideal experience.

I've already been through this whole pregnancy thing before. At 10 1/2 weeks, you'd think I've got a pretty good handle on everything. After all, nothing's new so it should feel doable this time around as I'm not working full time and can nap whenever Ryan does. How naive I was to believe simply because I've done this before it would be the same or even easier!

Nothing, I repeat, NOTHING about this pregnancy is the same as Ryan's. With Ryan I felt sick, but during the day it was pretty manageable for the most part. I can count the number of times on one hand I threw up during those nine months. Not so with this little one. I am sick, sick, sick, all the time. It is relentless! At this point in Ryan's pregnancy I'd gained over 10 pounds and counting. This time I've lost three and counting. All I wanted to eat with Ryan was sugary things. Cake, candy, chocolate, ice cream, you name it, my sweet tooth wanted it. This time all I want is salt. Crackers, soup, chips, pretzels, pickles (mmmm, pickles), if it's salty I'll eat it. With Ryan my acne was worse than a 15-year-old boy's. Now, oddly enough, my face seems to be clearing up. Weird, right? I was so weepy when I expected Ryan. Any time I saw baby anything I sobbed with excitement and fondly caressed my growing tummy. This time around I'm more cranky and some days I even think, "was this really what I was praying for 8 months for? How am I going to do this again?" I think it's just a different balance of hormones than before, because deep down I am truly thrilled and grateful to be pregnant. It's frustrating when my hormones tell me I should feel otherwise.

Basically, it's true when they say every pregnancy is different. My family is convinced I'm carrying a girl this time because my symptoms are so opposite. That may be true, and we would be THRILLED if little Angela Rose is on the way. But we've also got a 50/50 chance that Jackson Rafael's growing rapidly in my belly, and we'd be delighted to have him, too. Besides, if it is Jackson and symptoms are a good indicator of personality, he's going to be nothing like his big brother. Either way the adventure is speeding along, and we're so grateful to be blessed with another little miracle. Here's to hoping my nausea ends with the first trimester in a few more weeks. Just the thought of feeling this miserable for the entire nine months is making me cry. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go throw up for the fourth time today.

Here's an update on my growing belly progress. I was showing much faster with Ryan. This one seems to be taking his/her time. I'm okay with that. :-)

Week 4