It's a Boy!!

Yes, it's a beautiful, healthy baby boy! He's right on schedule at 21 weeks, and we're so thrilled to know that little Ryan Wayne is on his way. Just like a kid on Christmas Eve, I didn't sleep a wink the night before the ultrasound. I was too excited. Every hour seemed to drag on and on, as if the morning would never come. When it finally did, even breakfast took forever before we could finally get to our appointment at 9:30. Once we arrived at the doctor's, we had to wait almost a full hour before my name was called. We watched everyone in the crowded room get up before us for their appointments. Even people who came in after us. It was driving me crazy. I had to keep telling myself, "you've waited 20 weeks. What's a few more minutes?" And I had to remind myself to be grateful that we could even distinguish the sex at all. That's a pretty recent feature. I knew I had to count my blessings.

Finally our name was called, and I excitedly took Brenton's hand as we went into the office. Once in the chair I was surprisingly calm. All I wanted at that point was just to see my baby and know that he/she was ok. I can't express how amazing it was to see him. His perfect little spine, his arms, both tiny feet and hands, and all four chambers of his rapidly beating little heart. The same little heart I had listened to for the first time only a few months before. It was incredible. I was so afraid he'd be facing the wrong way or have his legs crossed. Not to worry with Ryan. He spread himself wide as if to announce quite proudly, "Check me out Mom and Dad! I'm a boy! It's me, Ryan!" I was amazed at how the second I knew who it was, I felt Ryan become a part of our family. Almost as if I knew all along that it was him, because he is exactly who Heavenly Father wants to come first in our family. I knew right then and there that this is the Lord's plan for Ryan, and for us.

That weekend to celebrate, Brenton took me to BYU's 3rd annual Traditions Ball. We've been to all three, and as long as we're in Provo, we plan on keeping the tradition. Luckily, I had a formal turquoise dress with an empire waist, so there was room for me and Ryan. I'm glad the ball was when it was though. I don't think that dress would have worked even a week later, because I'm getting so big so quickly these days! We had a wonderful time, as we always do. It's not very often I have a reason to dress up, curl my hair all nice and go out dancing. I remember when they had the first one in 2008, Brenton and I were dating at the time. On Easter Sunday he made me a card asking me to go to an enchanted ball with him. It still makes me smile knowing that even when we were just dating, Brenton has always viewed me as a princess.

This past week Spring finally came to Provo. I spent most of yesterday outside cleaning the car with Brenton, cleaning my bike, and weeding our flower bed. The flower bed hasn't been used in almost two years, so it was completely overgrown with grass, weeds, and a huge population of snails. Ick. However, it's still blooming with daffodils and tulip buds. I wanted to clear everything else out to give those pretty flowers some room to breathe. Even with all the work I did, I still only managed to get a little over half of it pulled. I like how my mother says that whenever she gardens she can't help but think of the creation and the Lord's plan, and how she's helping along with it. I love that, and I agree with her. It was hard work, and my back and legs are very sore today, but I feel this urge to help those flowers grow, and do everything I can to eradicate anything that would hurt them. I feel I'm giving them a new start, and there's something very godlike in helping His creations grow.

And now it's back to starting another week. I wish I had more than just one day a week that I could use for cleaning the house, yard, car, garden, and everything else I have to do. Alas, there never seems to be enough time for everything that needs to be done. But I'm doing the very best I can, and I'm happy because of it. The harder we work for the right things, the happier we are. One of the many eternal principles I've learned from watching my parents.

Easter and Emergency Root Canal

What a lovely Easter weekend. The weather was a bit cold, I'll admit, but Conference was wonderful. I loved getting to listen to general authorities from the church give excellent remarks on several gospel principles, particularly those on motherhood and the atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ. Before Conference I always write down a few questions that I want answered in my life. This time most of my questions focused on how I can be a good mother, without ever being one before. I was amazed at how many talks were focused on raising children in the gospel. Surprisingly, there were also a fair amount on motherhood specifically. I particularly enjoyed Elder Ballard's talk on the relationship between mothers and daughters. I have always known that my mother has been the greatest influence in my life, but it was reassuring to hear from an apostle that the best way to be a good mother is to emulate the wonderful qualities my own mother has. That is a great place to start, and I feel like it won't be so scary being a new mom when I have the example of my own mother to guide me.

On Easter morning, Brenton and I surprised each other with Easter baskets. He got me the Primary songbook, and children's scripture stories on dvd. And of course, because he is so thoughtful and always tries to think of ways to make me smile, he hid five pink princess Easter eggs around our family room for me to search for. I never would have thought of something sweet like that. I know he's going to be a great dad because "the greatest thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother." There's never been a doubt in my mind how Brenton feels about me.

After the conclusion of Conference, Brenton and I along with two of his siblings, Garrett and Giselle, went up to Kaysville to visit Aunt Shelley and Uncle Brian's family for Easter dinner. We had a lovely time visiting with family and watching the kids hunt for eggs. We played games and spent time socializing together. As always it was wonderful getting to visit their family.

Today I went back to work as usual, ready to start the new week. Now as a quick update, I had previously been to the dentist and knew I had some cavities that needed to be taken care of next week. However, this morning my top back molar started to hurt, and within thirty minutes the pain was so bad I could hardly think straight. I raced over to the dentist and had an emergency root canal. While it was not how I wanted to spend my Monday, the dentist was very quick and skilled, and once the ridiculously painful numbing shots were in, the pain went away with the nerve he drilled out. And because he was so delicate with my mouth, I'm not in too much recovery pain either, even though I can only take Tylenol. I know that is because Heavenly Father is looking out for me, and He hears the prayers of me and my husband. We were very grateful that I was taken care of so quickly, and that I have good insurance to allow the work to be done with minimal cost to us. I'll be back to work tomorrow hardly the worse for wear.

The Lord loves us. He watches out for His children. I'm grateful for that. I know He watches over me, and helps see to it that even in times of emergency, I'm helped along the way.

Rocking the Baby to Sleep

I haven't written in a little while because I haven't really had anything new to report. I had my 16 week check up a few weeks ago, and everything is just fine. What we're really excited for and can hardly wait to find out is the gender of our little sweetheart. We find that out during my first ultrasound on April 8th, when I'm 20 weeks along. A week from this Thursday. Other than that, I just continue to get bigger and enjoy being able to have an appetite again. I thought I would never feel better, but it's really true that around 16 weeks the nausea goes away, and the appetite comes back. I have enjoyed every bite of it.

However, now that I'm feeling better, I need to start watching what I eat. That, unfortunately, is a lot harder to do with all the delicious Easter candy staring me in the face. And while I indulge every once and awhile and eat a Cadbury cream egg (yes, the cream kind, in it's original size. None of this caramel/fudge mini-sized mockery), I've been pretty good about switching to whole grains and lots of veggies. My sister Liz sent me two excellent books on eating during pregnancy, and I have loved trying out the tasty recipes. This weekend Brenton and I bought a bunch of ingredients to make several soups from the books, and froze what we wouldn't need this week to have for later meals. So far each recipe has been delicious.

As the baby grows, and so does Mommy, I have found that little jr. loves my right side. He/she uses my bladder for a mattress and my ligaments as stuffed animals to snug, making it very painful for me to move, or even just sit. Friday night it got so painful I tried to gently massage my right side to get him/her to move over and give me some relief. Sure enough, the baby moved and I felt great. For three minutes. Then with an obvious lurch, our little pumpkin rolled right back to his/her favorite position, and I was in pain all over again. I let out a pathetic whine, and looked over to see Brenton just beaming at my tummy. Frustrated, I glared and said, "A little sympathy would be nice, you know." He sweetly replied, "I know it hurts sweetheart, and I'm so sorry about that, but I think it's just about the cutest thing I've heard all week that our baby already has a personality and a favorite spot to snuggle." I realized he had a point, and it was pretty darling when I looked at it from that angle.

But I still couldn't get the baby to settle down. He/she kept squirming and tugging, and the night was getting later. So Brenton suggested that I try sitting in the rocker and rocking the baby to sleep. I was desperate and willing to try just about anything. So I sat down and rocked for a few minutes. After awhile I noticed the squirming stop, and the pain slowly subsided. I had rocked my baby to sleep for the very first time, and started to cry. I don't care if it was all in my head, I thought it was so special. And then I had to get up and deflate the baby's mattress by peeing and wake him/her up again. Sigh, it was so sweet while it lasted

But I appreciate the perspective my husband presented as I grumbled through the pain. He looked so excited I couldn't help but share his enthusiasm. And it's helped whenever I feel the baby move to his/her favorite spot. I simply smile and thank my Heavenly Father for sending us one of His precious little children in the first place. Even though I can't hold him/her in my arms yet, I can still rock my baby to sleep, and that means the world to me.

Relief in a Heartbeat

As most of you know, much of my college degree was spent in studying music, so I would consider myself extremely fortunate with the amount of beautiful sounds I've been able to listen to in my life. It's hard to top the immaculate precision of Bach's many preludes and fugues, the intense ferocity of Beethoven's 5th symphony, the beautifully rich harmonies of Smetana's symphonic poem, "Ma vlast," and the pure majesty of Copland's "Appalachian Spring." After listening to such exquisite compositions, I really had yet to hear anything more beautiful. How could you possibly top the beauty of a well constructed piece of music?

This morning, Brenton and I witnessed the sweetest sound I've ever heard in my life: our sweet, little baby's heartbeat. And with that healthy 140 bmp, suddenly I felt all my worries and stress simply melt away. The same joys and feelings of wonder that flood my senses as I listen to a beautiful piece of music came rushing into my mind as I lay flat on the examination table of the doctor's office. Tears poured from my face, and I knew that this was truly the most beautiful sound in the whole wide world. All at once the struggles and sickness that have burdened me for the past 12 weeks seemed to be only a heartbeat's flick of time compared to the beautiful sound I now heard. Our baby is alive, he or she has his or her very own heartbeat. Our little angel is just fine.

It is an immense relief to know that I am, in fact, pregnant. There's a real baby in there! And it's healthy! Brenton and I both teared up as we listened to that precious sound. I can't think of anything more wonderful to listen to. There is no composition that can ever compare to that. I wasn't prepared for how overwhelmed I would feel over a simple, hand-held doppler that produced the most wonderful sound in the entire world. I'm beginning to see glimpses of what it will feel like to be a mother, and I never knew my love could increase so much, so quickly, from a simple heartbeat.

Not so Much

I thought I was feeling much better, and got very excited. Then I got a cold, and my poor body rebelled. It's been a very, very hard week. It began with just the usual stuffy head and sore throat, but not being able to take any medicine, all the draining sinuses went right into my delicate tummy, inviting the nausea back full force. I've thrown up more times this week than I have during the past 10 weeks combined. Not to mention that the nausea is constantly there whether I throw up or not. I hate it, hate it, hate it. Being sick messes with anyone's emotions, but add all the flowing hormones of a pregnancy, and I'm a complete wreck.

To top it all off, I've been so sick that I haven't been able to make it to work. When I finally felt like I could pull myself together and make it in, I passed out in the shower and fell over. I came to almost 30 minutes later, with throbbing pains on my whole right side, and an intense buzzing sensation all over my body that made it so I couldn't even open my hands to grasp anything. I instantly threw up, and then somehow made it to my phone and called Brenton in hysterics. He raced home from school and called the doctor right away.

As it finally turned out I had swelling in and by the uterus on my right side causing immense pain which they couldn't determine if it was from the fall or from another source. As the past few days have elapsed we've been waiting to find out what the cause of the swelling is. Luckily, we've found that everything with the baby is fine, and there's nothing to worry about there. Thank goodness. That's about the last thing I could take right now.

I feel so helpless. I'm so worried about my work performance, my health, and my sanity. It's like the very worst in me comes out when I'm sick. I'm tired, weepy, frustrated in my abilities, and most of all just so sick of feeling this way. I'm wondering when my life is going to come back. How come when I see a pregnant woman at church or at the grocery store they have this glowing, cheerful, "all is well!" expression on their faces, and I'm ready to start sobbing or vomiting at the drop of a hat. Is that normal? Why does everyone keep telling me not to worry, when I feel so awful all the time that it makes it literally hard to function? And if all of this is in fact, normal, how come no one else talks about it? Am I really that much of a baby that I can't suck it up and move on, ignoring the way I feel? Maybe by some miracle, this will all go away as my first trimester comes to a close. Hmph. 2 more weeks.

On the Upswing?

Could this be the end of the horrible nausea? It's only my 10th week, but the past three days I really haven't felt any long-lasting tummy aches (knock on wood), and have been pretty comfortable with eating whatever I want. It is common that as you get to the last few weeks of the first trimester, some of the stomach symptoms wear off. I hope this isn't just a few days of relief only for it to come back with a vengeance. I still have aversions to certain smells and tastes, but for the most part it's been a much easier week for my tummy.

In other news, I'm starting to show. Right now it's just a small bump mixed with the seemingly jiggly fat, which is actually water due to the "baby bloat." However, as the days go by my stomach is getting less flabby, yet not getting any skinnier. I can no longer wear most of my normal clothes, unless the pants are low-rise, and the shirts are long and stretchy. I've started wearing maternity dresses and pants to work because quite frankly they're much more comfortable, and because there really is a bump there now. It's funny as I interview prospective students at my work, they all look at my tummy. The post-pregnant women sort of smile and give me a knowing glance or wink. Most of the men look, and you can literally watch them mentally contemplate whether or not to say anything, decide against it, but keep awkwardly glancing at my stomach for the next hour and a half. It's kind of amusing, actually.

Now that my amazing blanket it finished, I've begun a new project. I'm crocheting stacking rings for the baby. They all slide onto a small post that I made first. The theme is pond animals. I've completed the base, and two of the three rings, and it's looking so adorable. I'll most likely be done by the weekend, and can post up some pictures of that. I know I don't really put pictures up on my blog. Most of the time they just get posted on facebook, or I make a kodak album and send them off to family. I'm sure once the little peanut-sized Hoyos baby arrives, there'll be plenty of pictures on here to enjoy.

That's about it for now. My other goal for the week is to make our new place look decent enough so that I can send pictures of it to the family. No one on the Abernathy side has seen it yet, just the two Hoyos siblings who live out here. Other than that, it's just a date with my husband tomorrow night, slowly getting my appetite back, and reading books about my growing little sweetheart, soon to be the most precious gift in Brenton's and my life.

Exhaustion + Nausea + Stress = One Melodramatic First Trimester

The baby is only the size of a large raspberry, and I'm a walking roller coaster with all the hormones surging through my body. Honestly, this first trimester has been so much harder than anticipated. One minute I'm so exhausted I can hardly lift my eyelids, the next I'm crying in the middle of "The Little Mermaid." I also have a hard time finishing things because just like my desire for food (which is practically non-existent), my drive to get things done is very fleeting. I'm having a hard time simply writing this blog, and I've started writing it about 10 different times this week. I feel like I'm not myself. All the foods I used to love suddenly make me gag, I'm tired all the time, and simple tasks that used to take me five minutes stretch into days. Even my personality is changing depending on how sick or moody I feel. I also feel very ugly every day. What with all the new acne that surprises me each morning I'm only getting fatter, just not fat enough to look like I'm pregnant. It's almost as if I'm just a carrier for the baby and my real self won't come back until I'm a mom. I don't know. It's so hard to explain.

I'm aware the most of the time I'm a complete drama queen, being whiny and tired all the time. I pick up a sandwich that I usually enjoy and start to cry as I smell it and feel the nausea instantly settle in my stomach. I'm so frustrated that I can't do anything efficiently anymore. Typically, the only thing running through my thoughts is, "What's wrong with me? Why can't I just pull it together?" It's too early to shop for baby things, especially since I don't know if they'll be pink or blue yet. I can't feel the baby kick, it's too early to hear the heartbeat, so there are times when I wonder if I'm even pregnant at all, or simply going out of my mind. I'm so moody that when anyone is rude or gets upset with me I fight back tears like a five-year-old. I get super upset when I hear people talking about me saying, "It's not like it's that hard. Why does she have to look so tired all the time?" Especially when none of them have ever been pregnant before. It's too early for me to wear maternity clothes, but the bloating is so bad that I'm too fat for my other clothes. Talk about literally not fitting in.

I know most of this post didn't make much sense. But maybe sometime there will be another girl going through her first trimester who will stumble upon it and feel like she's not alone in her miseries. 4 more weeks. Ick.