It's been very hard for me emotionally to accept who I am now. I'm still 20 pounds heavier than I was when I got pregnant, and that was already 15 pounds heavier than I was when I got married. I often feel that since Ryan is four months old I'm supposed to be all better and back to normal. I posted on my Facebook status last week how I felt, and received many wonderful comments and messages that helped me realize many new mothers feel this way, and I'm not alone. The fact is, pregnancy tears a woman's body apart. It just does. And with Ryan's extremely difficult delivery I have to add a lot more recovery time. On top of that, the emotional part is difficult because while you're pregnant, it's easy to imagine, "Well, I'm big now because there's a baby inside of me, but once he's out things will go back down and I'll be me again." But I'm never going to be that person again. I wish I'd known that earlier. All I ever heard was, "it's worth it." And yes, that's true. Ryan is worth every extra pound on my body, every inch of stretched out skin, and every stretch mark. I wouldn't trade him for anything, ever. But when he's been screaming for four hours, I didn't get any sleep the night before, and I'm within an inch of my sanity, he doesn't look that cute. And I don't stand there smiling saying, "Wow, this was worth it!"
So yes, I'm chunky, and working on it. Yes, some days I'm so tired I question what I was thinking 13 months earlier. Yes, some days I feel completely alone. And yes, sometimes I tear up when I see my pretty clothes I used to wear that I now don't have a prayer of fitting into. So what does all of this have to do with boxing up clothes and Brenton's top 25?
I started going through all my clothes and sorting them into piles based on weight goals. Ideally, I'd like to lose 30 pounds, but I'll settle for 20 to be at the weight I was before I got pregnant. I sorted my clothes out by 10-pound increments so that as I hit each new goal, I'll have all my clothes to pull out of storage as a reward. In each box I wrote myself a short congratulatory note. To keep myself motivated as I packed up I put on some music. I saw Brenton's ipod on the table in our room so I plugged it into some speakers and looked for a good playlist. As I searched, I saw the list, "Top 25 Most Played." Intrigued, I clicked on it. I figured it would be pretty fascinating to find out what Brenton listens to the most. Over half of the list were love songs that are special to the two of us. In fact, 9 out of the first 10 were our love songs. It made me smile and tear up knowing I have the most wonderful husband in the world.
It always amazes me how even during times that may seem difficult, Brenton somehow finds a way to make it better, even if he doesn't know it. It was just another reason why he's such a great fit for me. He turned a potentially hazardous afternoon into a very sweet one, and I smiled as I said a quick prayer of gratitude that I married my very best friend.
Now that my closet is cleaned out, I no longer have to open it every morning seeing the clothes I can't fit into. Everything I see I can wear. That's a good feeling. And I'm about to start aerobics and strength training five days a week at 6AM with my best girl friend, Laura. I'm nervous about it, but having a friend to go with me is great motivation. It's a new dawn. It's a new day. It's a new life. And I'm feeling good!!
