Thoughts on a Miscarriage

I haven't written since the move not because I don't have updates to give, but because every time I sit down to write there's only one topic that comes to mind. I've thought about putting it aside and writing about it later, but for whatever reason I can't seem to write about anything else until this gets off my chest. I'm really not one to suffer in silence. It's not in my nature. And as I've been going through this experience I've found there's not much out there from the perspective of the expectant mother, just from doctors.

So yes, last month I had a miscarriage. It all happened so fast. I found out I was expecting, was absolutely thrilled, and within a few weeks lost the baby. I was completely devastated. I had just enough time to be ecstatic about adding a new member to our family. Over the next few weeks I planned exciting ways to tell my parents and in-laws the good news, as we would be moving from Utah and seeing both of them within a week of each other. It was the perfect time to tell them Baby #2 was on the way.

The day of our move all my excitement and anticipation was ripped away from me. I cannot fully describe the emotional disappointment and loss of a miscarriage. It came without warning, without feeling, understanding, or comfort. I felt like my baby was ripped from my arms along with all my hopes and dreams for her/him. As we drove away in our U-Haul, I felt like we were leaving her/him behind. It was a very hard day.

Looking back now, there is nothing on that first day that brings any comfort but prayer. There is nothing anyone can say that will make you feel better, and there's nothing that can bring your baby back to you. All you feel is empty. It brought a new level of sadness to my life I had never experienced, and pray I never have to experience ever again.

Over the next few days, I found myself crying uncontrollably for no reason at all. Not only did I lose my baby, but I had no control over my emotions due to the raging hormones that proceed a miscarriage. I was irritable, exhausted, very weepy, sometimes numb, but mostly heartbroken. Each day I would wake up with a sinking feeling in my stomach, remembering the baby was gone. It felt so awful. I wondered when I would finally start to feel better. I wished so badly I could fast forward to the day when I didn't feel so sad anymore.

Now a month and a half later, I'm doing much better. I still shed a few tears every once in awhile and give myself time to grieve, but I don't give myself time to mope. Having a new house to move into and plenty of boxes to unpack was surprisingly great therapy. It gave me time to think without sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I put my sadness into my work. I unpacked when I felt restless, played piano when I felt depressed, and held my little boy when I felt weepy. A few times I even danced when I felt annoyed or frustrated. Each activity helped in its own way, and I never tried to repress the way I was feeling. My dear husband was very patient with me as I tried to work through all the emotions. He's been a great support through the entire ordeal.

I don't know why I had a miscarriage, but I do know everything's going to be okay at some point. I still look at the calendar and think, "I would be 'x' weeks along now..." and try not to cry. Some days I'm even a bit jealous of my friends that are currently expecting. Other days I'm very happy and busy being a full-time mom. I scoop up my little boy and cover him with kisses, grateful for every minute I get to spend being Ryan's mommy. Every day I get down on my knees to pray for support from my Heavenly Father. I know this is all part of His plan. My little baby is not gone forever. He/she is still coming to our family. For whatever reason the body I was creating for him/her wasn't right and so it was discarded. Now I have another chance to create a better one. It's all part of the plan.

I didn't write this looking for sympathy, but to hopefully share some empathy with those who may have gone or will go through a miscarriage themselves. Maybe it will bring comfort should another woman I know go through this painful process. My advice? Look to those who love you for comfort, lean on your husband for support, and most importantly look up to the Lord for guidance. He is there and will give you the peace you are seeking. Then find ways to keep busy, and if you already have children, give them all the kisses and hugs you can. After awhile, you'll be okay. And if you need a listening ear, you know where to find me. I find ice cream dates with girlfriends, even through Skype, provide great comfort and relief. I'm here with a pint of Haagen Dazs anytime you need me.