Relief in a Heartbeat

As most of you know, much of my college degree was spent in studying music, so I would consider myself extremely fortunate with the amount of beautiful sounds I've been able to listen to in my life. It's hard to top the immaculate precision of Bach's many preludes and fugues, the intense ferocity of Beethoven's 5th symphony, the beautifully rich harmonies of Smetana's symphonic poem, "Ma vlast," and the pure majesty of Copland's "Appalachian Spring." After listening to such exquisite compositions, I really had yet to hear anything more beautiful. How could you possibly top the beauty of a well constructed piece of music?

This morning, Brenton and I witnessed the sweetest sound I've ever heard in my life: our sweet, little baby's heartbeat. And with that healthy 140 bmp, suddenly I felt all my worries and stress simply melt away. The same joys and feelings of wonder that flood my senses as I listen to a beautiful piece of music came rushing into my mind as I lay flat on the examination table of the doctor's office. Tears poured from my face, and I knew that this was truly the most beautiful sound in the whole wide world. All at once the struggles and sickness that have burdened me for the past 12 weeks seemed to be only a heartbeat's flick of time compared to the beautiful sound I now heard. Our baby is alive, he or she has his or her very own heartbeat. Our little angel is just fine.

It is an immense relief to know that I am, in fact, pregnant. There's a real baby in there! And it's healthy! Brenton and I both teared up as we listened to that precious sound. I can't think of anything more wonderful to listen to. There is no composition that can ever compare to that. I wasn't prepared for how overwhelmed I would feel over a simple, hand-held doppler that produced the most wonderful sound in the entire world. I'm beginning to see glimpses of what it will feel like to be a mother, and I never knew my love could increase so much, so quickly, from a simple heartbeat.

Not so Much

I thought I was feeling much better, and got very excited. Then I got a cold, and my poor body rebelled. It's been a very, very hard week. It began with just the usual stuffy head and sore throat, but not being able to take any medicine, all the draining sinuses went right into my delicate tummy, inviting the nausea back full force. I've thrown up more times this week than I have during the past 10 weeks combined. Not to mention that the nausea is constantly there whether I throw up or not. I hate it, hate it, hate it. Being sick messes with anyone's emotions, but add all the flowing hormones of a pregnancy, and I'm a complete wreck.

To top it all off, I've been so sick that I haven't been able to make it to work. When I finally felt like I could pull myself together and make it in, I passed out in the shower and fell over. I came to almost 30 minutes later, with throbbing pains on my whole right side, and an intense buzzing sensation all over my body that made it so I couldn't even open my hands to grasp anything. I instantly threw up, and then somehow made it to my phone and called Brenton in hysterics. He raced home from school and called the doctor right away.

As it finally turned out I had swelling in and by the uterus on my right side causing immense pain which they couldn't determine if it was from the fall or from another source. As the past few days have elapsed we've been waiting to find out what the cause of the swelling is. Luckily, we've found that everything with the baby is fine, and there's nothing to worry about there. Thank goodness. That's about the last thing I could take right now.

I feel so helpless. I'm so worried about my work performance, my health, and my sanity. It's like the very worst in me comes out when I'm sick. I'm tired, weepy, frustrated in my abilities, and most of all just so sick of feeling this way. I'm wondering when my life is going to come back. How come when I see a pregnant woman at church or at the grocery store they have this glowing, cheerful, "all is well!" expression on their faces, and I'm ready to start sobbing or vomiting at the drop of a hat. Is that normal? Why does everyone keep telling me not to worry, when I feel so awful all the time that it makes it literally hard to function? And if all of this is in fact, normal, how come no one else talks about it? Am I really that much of a baby that I can't suck it up and move on, ignoring the way I feel? Maybe by some miracle, this will all go away as my first trimester comes to a close. Hmph. 2 more weeks.