I took a chance yesterday. I put myself out there, and auditioned for a play. It's a goal I've had for awhile, But I haven't auditioned for anything in a very long time. It is one of the most emotional things a melodramatic person can do, especially if said person has only been off Zoloft for a week and a half. I'm essentially putting myself out there to be picked apart. I'm stepping into the room and non-verbally saying, "Ok, what's wrong with me?" Why on earth would anyone do that? What was I thinking?
I'll tell you why. Because deep down, I love it. I love getting to pretend to be someone else even if it's just for a minute. I love getting dressed up and showing off. Is it nerve racking? Of course it is, but not when I'm in the moment. When I was delivering my monologues, I wasn't thinking, "how am I doing? Do they like me? Am I convincing?" I was simply performing, and it was wonderful. I walked out of that audition room feeling ten times bigger because I proved to myself that I can do something difficult. I can stand up on a pedestal, smile, and watch people ridicule me with their eyes. I proved to myself that I can do hard things.
Did I get the part? Of course not. I haven't auditioned in years. While of course getting the part was my goal, my more important goal was getting out there and proving to myself that I could do it. And I'm well aware it's going to take several tries before I see any fruit from it. But I still did it.
Auditioning is such a tricky business. On the one hand, unlike a normal job interview, if you don't get the part it isn't because you didn't have the right skills. Most of the time it's because you didn't fit what the director had in mind. That's really all it is. On the other hand, you get rejected A LOT. It's part of the game. And let's not kid ourselves, getting rejected hurts. Every. Single. Time. It never gets easier. And you'll come up with reasons all day long as to why you weren't good enough or what went wrong, but it doesn't make you feel better.
So, today I get to be sad about being rejected. I could say, "it doesn't hurt. I didn't want it anyway," but that's a big fat lie. If I didn't want it, I wouldn't have auditioned. Of course I wanted it. Of course I'm sad I didn't get it. Yes, I'm probably going to enjoy a milkshake today to make myself feel better. But tomorrow, I get to move on from it all. I get to dry my eyes and tell myself that this will not damage the view I have of myself, and it will not affect my determination to audition again. I get to look at new auditions and practice for those. And I also get to be a mother who's in love with her sweet baby and wonderful husband.
So while today is ce la vie, tomorrow is carpe diem!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I told my theater students all last year that it's good to audition for things you don't think you'll get into/don't intend to do/can't do because of the practice. I also remind them that auditions are basically the closest you can come to facing down a lion because your body reacts in a similar way - but in this case you know you'll get out alive for sure. Auditions ARE hard - but they DO get easier. You know it. You can do it!
ReplyDeleteI loved this post. I completely relate. I used to do community theatre all the time before Halle became a toddler. So, I'm going on a four-year hiatus. I miss it terribly. There's nothing like performing on stage. It brings me an immense amount of joy. Congrats on having the courage to get back out there again. You are so talented. I'm sure something great will come along for you very soon! :)
ReplyDelete