The baby is only the size of a large raspberry, and I'm a walking roller coaster with all the hormones surging through my body. Honestly, this first trimester has been so much harder than anticipated. One minute I'm so exhausted I can hardly lift my eyelids, the next I'm crying in the middle of "The Little Mermaid." I also have a hard time finishing things because just like my desire for food (which is practically non-existent), my drive to get things done is very fleeting. I'm having a hard time simply writing this blog, and I've started writing it about 10 different times this week. I feel like I'm not myself. All the foods I used to love suddenly make me gag, I'm tired all the time, and simple tasks that used to take me five minutes stretch into days. Even my personality is changing depending on how sick or moody I feel. I also feel very ugly every day. What with all the new acne that surprises me each morning I'm only getting fatter, just not fat enough to look like I'm pregnant. It's almost as if I'm just a carrier for the baby and my real self won't come back until I'm a mom. I don't know. It's so hard to explain.
I'm aware the most of the time I'm a complete drama queen, being whiny and tired all the time. I pick up a sandwich that I usually enjoy and start to cry as I smell it and feel the nausea instantly settle in my stomach. I'm so frustrated that I can't do anything efficiently anymore. Typically, the only thing running through my thoughts is, "What's wrong with me? Why can't I just pull it together?" It's too early to shop for baby things, especially since I don't know if they'll be pink or blue yet. I can't feel the baby kick, it's too early to hear the heartbeat, so there are times when I wonder if I'm even pregnant at all, or simply going out of my mind. I'm so moody that when anyone is rude or gets upset with me I fight back tears like a five-year-old. I get super upset when I hear people talking about me saying, "It's not like it's that hard. Why does she have to look so tired all the time?" Especially when none of them have ever been pregnant before. It's too early for me to wear maternity clothes, but the bloating is so bad that I'm too fat for my other clothes. Talk about literally not fitting in.
I know most of this post didn't make much sense. But maybe sometime there will be another girl going through her first trimester who will stumble upon it and feel like she's not alone in her miseries. 4 more weeks. Ick.
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Aw, I'm so sorry that things are so rough... while I'm not at that stage of life yet, thanks for being honest with your feeligs of what the first trimester is like, because when I do become pregnant someday I'm sure I'll feel the same way and wonder if I'm crazy. I hope the next four weeks go by quickly for you... I'm sure once you start to see the human looking ultrasounds and hear the heartbeat, things will start to feel more real and you'll start to feel like it's worth it. :) Best of luck! Keep us updated!
ReplyDeleteIt's good that you can detach yourself from the situation and look at it for what it is, an unpleasant part of an incredible and unforgettable experience with the highest eternal meaning.
ReplyDeleteTry to find opportunities to laugh, too. And we will do the praying for you.
I have to tell you that when I was feeling this same way in the 1st Trimester I read this & it made me feel so much better to know that I wasn't the only one that felt completely NOT like herself during this time in pregnancy. I was a wreck & cried over everything. But it in the end...It's all worth it. :o)
ReplyDeleteyes! i feel all this way. I'm on baby #3 and this is by far the WORST pregnancy so far and i've only just begun. reading ur misery made me feel not so along anymore. You would think that since i did this twice already i could just "shake it". NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO i sit on various pieces of furniture all day and stare into space trying to forget just how awful i feel. I've lost lbs but i'm so bloated and i have an entire orchestra playing off beat music in my stomach. I have an ulcer i think too along with all the disorders in the DSM IV. I almost beat up some kid at burger king for kicking my kid. I want crisp greesey fresh fries but when i saw them i cried and almost threw up. My poor husband.....you know what i mean...My dreams are full of action and adventure while my days are spent trying to swallow a saltine and freaking out when i can't find my antacids. June 24th can't come soon enough and then i'm OUT of this trimester.
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